[Kissing is something that's becoming easier and easier, something that feels more and more natural every single time it happens, and Jamil doesn't know if that thrills him or terrifies him, and that's why he doesn't think about it. Or at least tries not to. If he thinks about it, he'll think about: his father, his family, Kalim's father, Kalim's family, the weight of the Al-Asim name, Scarabia and the overblot and all that revealed about himself to himself, his promise to himself to be better and not hold himself back anymore, the fact he doesn't quite know what better is, everything, everything, everything.
And then Kalim, melting into his kiss the moment Jamil's feelings start to spiral, pulling him back into the moment. Jamil makes a noise, his hand fisting in Kalim's hair, leaning into the kiss, pushing forward into the kiss. Just as hungry, just as devouring. If Kalim wouldn't demand, that's fine, he'd demand for the both of them.
Jamil's other hand, loose around Kalim's waist. He doesn't think anything of it. He's used to Kalim touching him all the time. (And it's a strange paradox, being simultaneously touch starved and being so numb to being touched that he doesn't think anything of it: being touched by Kalim is the background radiation of his life, a thousand hugs bleeding together like watercolors. Being touched with meaning is different.)
And as he hears himself make a sound that was a...gaspy, surprised sound, Jamil pulls away just enough to break the kiss. Not too far. Barely any distance between them, but just enough because he could feel some tightly wound part of himself begin to unravel with that noise.
He still finds himself staring at Kalim's lips, breathing a little too heavily.]
And then Kalim, melting into his kiss the moment Jamil's feelings start to spiral, pulling him back into the moment. Jamil makes a noise, his hand fisting in Kalim's hair, leaning into the kiss, pushing forward into the kiss. Just as hungry, just as devouring. If Kalim wouldn't demand, that's fine, he'd demand for the both of them.
Jamil's other hand, loose around Kalim's waist. He doesn't think anything of it. He's used to Kalim touching him all the time. (And it's a strange paradox, being simultaneously touch starved and being so numb to being touched that he doesn't think anything of it: being touched by Kalim is the background radiation of his life, a thousand hugs bleeding together like watercolors. Being touched with meaning is different.)
And as he hears himself make a sound that was a...gaspy, surprised sound, Jamil pulls away just enough to break the kiss. Not too far. Barely any distance between them, but just enough because he could feel some tightly wound part of himself begin to unravel with that noise.
He still finds himself staring at Kalim's lips, breathing a little too heavily.]
[ The best-kept secret between them, apparently, is that Kalim has never doubted Jamil's belonging. Not once. Jamil has always belonged. He's belonged on Kalim's couch, in Kalim's room, in any room they've ever inhabited together. He's belonged at Kalim's side, and if Kalim regrets a single thing in his life, it's that he was never able to impart that belief to Jamil.
So nothing seems strange about the way Jamil holds himself. Kalim takes the tea with a bright Thank you! and sips quietly while Jamil gets situated. ]
Mmm... [ It's hard to tell if that's a hum of agreement, or if Kalim is just enjoying the tea that much. ] Sorry! I tried to get back as fast as I could, but I didn't want to leave until they were really comfortable with everything. They got it though, so it was time well-spent!
[ Another sip. ]
Were you hoping I'd turn in early because of it?
So nothing seems strange about the way Jamil holds himself. Kalim takes the tea with a bright Thank you! and sips quietly while Jamil gets situated. ]
Mmm... [ It's hard to tell if that's a hum of agreement, or if Kalim is just enjoying the tea that much. ] Sorry! I tried to get back as fast as I could, but I didn't want to leave until they were really comfortable with everything. They got it though, so it was time well-spent!
[ Another sip. ]
Were you hoping I'd turn in early because of it?
I want to!
[ Kalim chirps this answer, as if that's not the casual admission that he just wants to touch Jamil. Just because. Not because he's obligated to, but because Jamil's hair is soft, and he deserves to feel good. That's all the reason he needs.
Never mind that it seems to have the incidental effect of Jamil holding him more tightly still. That's just an added bonus. ]
Just let me pet your hair before you drown me, okay?
[ Kalim chirps this answer, as if that's not the casual admission that he just wants to touch Jamil. Just because. Not because he's obligated to, but because Jamil's hair is soft, and he deserves to feel good. That's all the reason he needs.
Never mind that it seems to have the incidental effect of Jamil holding him more tightly still. That's just an added bonus. ]
Just let me pet your hair before you drown me, okay?
[ It feels like threads are weaving tightly between them, tangling and twisting until they're bound to snap. It builds and builds, curls into Kalim's soul just as surely as Jamil's fingers in his hair, and Kalim swears he's going to fall. Vertigo. Like standing on the edge of a fathomless cliff and knowing beyond any shadow of a doubt that he's just about to plummet.
Kalim's hands scramble to find the front of Jamil's shirt. His fingers slip beneath the sleeves, rings cool against the bare skin of Jamil's collarbone. And softly, faintly, there's an answering whimper on Kalim's lips, just as Jamil eases away. Why did he stop? Why is he--
Jamil looks terrified. That's the only thing Kalim can make out when his eyes flutter open again. Terrified, and maybe -- just a little bit -- like he wants to destroy Kalim, and he hasn't quite decided on the best way to do it. Kalim's smile is soft, and his gaze is impossibly warm. His hands drift up to cradle Jamil's jaw, thumbpads softly brushing his cheekbones, coaxing him to look up, look at Kalim, see him eye-to-eye. ]
It's all right. [ The words are a ghosting breath over Jamil's lips, warm and hushed. ] You can keep going.
Kalim's hands scramble to find the front of Jamil's shirt. His fingers slip beneath the sleeves, rings cool against the bare skin of Jamil's collarbone. And softly, faintly, there's an answering whimper on Kalim's lips, just as Jamil eases away. Why did he stop? Why is he--
Jamil looks terrified. That's the only thing Kalim can make out when his eyes flutter open again. Terrified, and maybe -- just a little bit -- like he wants to destroy Kalim, and he hasn't quite decided on the best way to do it. Kalim's smile is soft, and his gaze is impossibly warm. His hands drift up to cradle Jamil's jaw, thumbpads softly brushing his cheekbones, coaxing him to look up, look at Kalim, see him eye-to-eye. ]
It's all right. [ The words are a ghosting breath over Jamil's lips, warm and hushed. ] You can keep going.
[It's tempting to lie. He wants to lie, he's rather good at lying, he lied to Kalim's face all the time, it was likely that he could get away with it. He could say whatever it was he wanted to say, and Kalim likely wouldn't question it. The lie is right there, right on his lips, ready to be spoken.
Jamil sips his tea instead.
He can't quite look at Kalim. Instead, he just looks slightly down, at Kalim's teacup. Then, back up at Kalim again.]
Not really. It would make things easier for tonight, but we'd still see each other in the morning, wouldn't we?
[And that should be that. He wanted that to be that. Jamil wanted it to be pragmatic and short and brief, just...to the point, it would be easier if it was to the point. But after a moment, his gaze slid to his own cup and he lifted it to his lips again.]
And if I really didn't want to see you tonight, then it would've been easy enough for me to just not respond when you texted me, wouldn't it?
[He sips. The tea is...soothing. He's glad, not for the first time, that Kalim had a taste for something relaxing, fragrant, distracting but not overpowering, the sort of tea he could distract himself by drinking while trying not to think about how much he had given away with that confession.]
Jamil sips his tea instead.
He can't quite look at Kalim. Instead, he just looks slightly down, at Kalim's teacup. Then, back up at Kalim again.]
Not really. It would make things easier for tonight, but we'd still see each other in the morning, wouldn't we?
[And that should be that. He wanted that to be that. Jamil wanted it to be pragmatic and short and brief, just...to the point, it would be easier if it was to the point. But after a moment, his gaze slid to his own cup and he lifted it to his lips again.]
And if I really didn't want to see you tonight, then it would've been easy enough for me to just not respond when you texted me, wouldn't it?
[He sips. The tea is...soothing. He's glad, not for the first time, that Kalim had a taste for something relaxing, fragrant, distracting but not overpowering, the sort of tea he could distract himself by drinking while trying not to think about how much he had given away with that confession.]
[-and then there, there, fingers against his cheekbones, asking him to look up, stilling his thoughts. Not forcing, not demanding. A simple ask. He does.
Kalim's gaze is as warm as always, and it reminds Jamil of two things: the first, that from the moment he had been born, it had been decided that his life would revolve around Kalim's own. It was something that had made Jamil bitter, and something that would always make him bitter. It would always be something that he would resent, something that, even if he loved his parents in all other respects (and he does) he'd always hold against them. Just a little. Always, just a little.
But, the second and more important thing: that when he had the opportunity to choose, when all of his schemes were laid bare and Kalim knew just how much he resented...everything, that he had been holding things back, that he had been lying for years, when Azul had flung the doors of Octavinelle wide open and Kalim's money could make that transfer happen very easily, very quickly...he still had chosen Scarabia. Jamil still had chosen Kalim.
And this is why. Kalim could see him, terrified over a ridiculous reason. Of all the stupid reasons. Scared of something he had started. Him, someone who had said he'd never hold himself back again, scared of something he had started. And Kalim could see that, and ask him to look at him, and still look at him with warmth, all just to say that it's all right. And that he could keep going.
What does he say to that? What is he supposed to say to that?
He doesn't have the words. Instead: Jamil closes his eyes for a moment. He forces himself to breathe. He reminds himself that the world is nowhere near this place. It's just the two of them and a silent tomb, a replica of something that might not have ever existed.
Jamil opens his eyes again. He nearly nods, but, ah, they are so close. One wrong move of his head might result in him headbutting Kalim by accident, and he'd never forgive himself if he ruined the moment first by his idiot fear, and then second by headbutting Kalim Al-Asim.]
Mm.
[A soft noise.]
I know.
[And that's what terrifies him, that all of Kalim's reassurance just tells him something that, deep down, Jamil knows to be true. But he still kisses Kalim anyway, and in this kiss he pours all of his yearning. (What he yearns for he doesn't know, but Jamil knows that he wants, he wants.)]
Kalim's gaze is as warm as always, and it reminds Jamil of two things: the first, that from the moment he had been born, it had been decided that his life would revolve around Kalim's own. It was something that had made Jamil bitter, and something that would always make him bitter. It would always be something that he would resent, something that, even if he loved his parents in all other respects (and he does) he'd always hold against them. Just a little. Always, just a little.
But, the second and more important thing: that when he had the opportunity to choose, when all of his schemes were laid bare and Kalim knew just how much he resented...everything, that he had been holding things back, that he had been lying for years, when Azul had flung the doors of Octavinelle wide open and Kalim's money could make that transfer happen very easily, very quickly...he still had chosen Scarabia. Jamil still had chosen Kalim.
And this is why. Kalim could see him, terrified over a ridiculous reason. Of all the stupid reasons. Scared of something he had started. Him, someone who had said he'd never hold himself back again, scared of something he had started. And Kalim could see that, and ask him to look at him, and still look at him with warmth, all just to say that it's all right. And that he could keep going.
What does he say to that? What is he supposed to say to that?
He doesn't have the words. Instead: Jamil closes his eyes for a moment. He forces himself to breathe. He reminds himself that the world is nowhere near this place. It's just the two of them and a silent tomb, a replica of something that might not have ever existed.
Jamil opens his eyes again. He nearly nods, but, ah, they are so close. One wrong move of his head might result in him headbutting Kalim by accident, and he'd never forgive himself if he ruined the moment first by his idiot fear, and then second by headbutting Kalim Al-Asim.]
Mm.
[A soft noise.]
I know.
[And that's what terrifies him, that all of Kalim's reassurance just tells him something that, deep down, Jamil knows to be true. But he still kisses Kalim anyway, and in this kiss he pours all of his yearning. (What he yearns for he doesn't know, but Jamil knows that he wants, he wants.)]
Oh?
[And just like that, the spell is...kind of...broken. His eyes open again. He stares at Kalim. He absolutely does nothing to stop Kalim from playing with his hair. There's no movement to keep him from playing with his hair. In the event Kalim moves his hand away, Jamil would even make a slightly offended noise. Not deliberately, but it would seep out before he can stop it.
But his eyes are open again.]
I was starting to think that you forgot about me drowning you.
[And just like that, the spell is...kind of...broken. His eyes open again. He stares at Kalim. He absolutely does nothing to stop Kalim from playing with his hair. There's no movement to keep him from playing with his hair. In the event Kalim moves his hand away, Jamil would even make a slightly offended noise. Not deliberately, but it would seep out before he can stop it.
But his eyes are open again.]
I was starting to think that you forgot about me drowning you.
That's true!
[ And yet, here they are. Sipping tea and patently avoiding what they were meant to speak about. Which-- All right, sometimes Jamil needs time to gather his wits. He's very careful, and that's a boon in so many different ways. Kalim never lent it enough credit before.
Though something has been nagging at Kalim since their earlier conversation. ]
Ah! So if we're alone like this, do we still need to talk about it like menagerie safety, or can we just say kissing?
[ And yet, here they are. Sipping tea and patently avoiding what they were meant to speak about. Which-- All right, sometimes Jamil needs time to gather his wits. He's very careful, and that's a boon in so many different ways. Kalim never lent it enough credit before.
Though something has been nagging at Kalim since their earlier conversation. ]
Ah! So if we're alone like this, do we still need to talk about it like menagerie safety, or can we just say kissing?
[ It's funny, how much wanting can feel like needing when he's against Jamil's lips. Kalim never thought he was this kind of person; the kind who could go dizzy and foolish from a kiss, the kind who would trade the air he breathed for the touch on his skin. And then Jamil kissed him, touched him, and Kalim learned some hard truths about himself. Taught too well by Jamil's hand, as usual.
Kalim would give Jamil the world. Large or small; anything Jamil asks of him, Kalim would give without question. His wealth, his power, his blood, his flesh. His first and his last of everything. So long as he remains at Kalim's side, he can have the universe in his hands. He need only ask. He need only stay.
That's the plea behind Kalim's lips, consuming and desperate and plain as day to Jamil, who's always known how best to read him. Stay. Stay here against his mouth. Stay here as his aide and confidante. Stay here within his heart. And know that he possesses every part of it.
It's tempting to push for more, for deeper. It would be easy, and there's so much that he wants to touch and kiss now that the options seem available to him. A slip of his hand, a pull to bare more skin, an excuse to sink to his buckling knees. But Jamil has to lead in this. Jamil has to be the one to open each gate before Kalim will dare to flood him out. In this, he has all the power.
So Kalim only whimpers, the sound of it thick and wet between their mouths, and his hands curl back to sink into Jamil's hair, holding him fast into the devouring ruin of their kiss. ]
Kalim would give Jamil the world. Large or small; anything Jamil asks of him, Kalim would give without question. His wealth, his power, his blood, his flesh. His first and his last of everything. So long as he remains at Kalim's side, he can have the universe in his hands. He need only ask. He need only stay.
That's the plea behind Kalim's lips, consuming and desperate and plain as day to Jamil, who's always known how best to read him. Stay. Stay here against his mouth. Stay here as his aide and confidante. Stay here within his heart. And know that he possesses every part of it.
It's tempting to push for more, for deeper. It would be easy, and there's so much that he wants to touch and kiss now that the options seem available to him. A slip of his hand, a pull to bare more skin, an excuse to sink to his buckling knees. But Jamil has to lead in this. Jamil has to be the one to open each gate before Kalim will dare to flood him out. In this, he has all the power.
So Kalim only whimpers, the sound of it thick and wet between their mouths, and his hands curl back to sink into Jamil's hair, holding him fast into the devouring ruin of their kiss. ]
No way! I have a very good memory, you know.
[ They're-- Are they cuddling? The realization dawns on Kalim like a freight train collision, and his fingers tremble -- still, for a fraction of a second -- while his face flushes deep and hot. They're cuddling. On Carpet. Jamil is holding him, Kalim is laying on him, playing with his hair. This seems so... normal. Especially for them. After all the turmoil, here they are. ]
Thank you. This is really nice.
[ It comes out before Kalim can stop it. So as long as he's leaning into brutal honesty...
It feels good, just to have you hold me.
[ They're-- Are they cuddling? The realization dawns on Kalim like a freight train collision, and his fingers tremble -- still, for a fraction of a second -- while his face flushes deep and hot. They're cuddling. On Carpet. Jamil is holding him, Kalim is laying on him, playing with his hair. This seems so... normal. Especially for them. After all the turmoil, here they are. ]
Thank you. This is really nice.
[ It comes out before Kalim can stop it. So as long as he's leaning into brutal honesty...
It feels good, just to have you hold me.
[...and Jamil splutters as he takes a sip of his tea, blindsided by that question, but it's fine, it's only a little splutter, a little moment of surprise, he wasn't going to die from that.]
We can call it kissing when it's just the two of us
[His tone is level, through a mix of hard-earned restraint and also because they're dancing around the point again, ever so slightly. They're spinning closer but they're still ever so slightly missing the point.
But this part also matters, so.]
My concern is someone overhearing us saying that we kissed, getting the wrong impression, and it spiraling out of control. You know how this school is: one thing leads to another, suddenly there's rumors that you're eloping [ah] with someone random like Azul, and then the headmage gets involved.
We can call it kissing when it's just the two of us
[His tone is level, through a mix of hard-earned restraint and also because they're dancing around the point again, ever so slightly. They're spinning closer but they're still ever so slightly missing the point.
But this part also matters, so.]
My concern is someone overhearing us saying that we kissed, getting the wrong impression, and it spiraling out of control. You know how this school is: one thing leads to another, suddenly there's rumors that you're eloping [ah] with someone random like Azul, and then the headmage gets involved.
Who said I'm eloping with Azul?
[ Clearly that's the takeaway from all this. ]
I know what you meant, though! I get all that. I just wanted to make sure you're okay with it too!
[ Truthfully, Jamil seems like the furthest thing from okay at the moment. Especially while he's sputtering tea and talking about illicit marriage rumors. And what can Kalim do to alleviate those worries for him? He was grasping at straws from the start, but-- Well. Maybe if he bends a little first, it'll be easier for Jamil to bend with him. Just like earlier, in the kitchen. ]
It's okay if you're not comfortable with it. But I'm not gonna be mad at you, no matter what you wanted to talk about tonight. I'd like you to tell me what is and isn't all right between us, though. It's important to me. You're important to me. And I never want to make you feel... like you felt. Not ever again.
[ Clearly that's the takeaway from all this. ]
I know what you meant, though! I get all that. I just wanted to make sure you're okay with it too!
[ Truthfully, Jamil seems like the furthest thing from okay at the moment. Especially while he's sputtering tea and talking about illicit marriage rumors. And what can Kalim do to alleviate those worries for him? He was grasping at straws from the start, but-- Well. Maybe if he bends a little first, it'll be easier for Jamil to bend with him. Just like earlier, in the kitchen. ]
It's okay if you're not comfortable with it. But I'm not gonna be mad at you, no matter what you wanted to talk about tonight. I'd like you to tell me what is and isn't all right between us, though. It's important to me. You're important to me. And I never want to make you feel... like you felt. Not ever again.
[And his gaze snaps up to Kalim and he searches his face, his eyes, his nose, his chin, his lips, back up again, and Jamil's mouth opens up and out slips a word.]
Why?
[It's asked softly. It lacks the teeth and fangs of an accusation, it's not a demand. It almost sounds like a plea, maybe, maybe not. Soft, almost accidental, like his mouth started running and his brain was struggling to catch up to it.]
I really don't get it. It's...me. I've clearly proven that you don't know me, that I've been lying to you for years. I plotted against you. You don't know what else I might have done. Even now, I could use my signature spell and you wouldn't be able to stop me.
[He puts the teacup back on the table again, and then shifts, as while he knows he's going to regret this, regret asking, Kalim's question is going to make him flustered...for a moment, Kalim is going to get his full attention, no illusion otherwise.]
And yet you can say I'm still important to you?
Why?
[It's asked softly. It lacks the teeth and fangs of an accusation, it's not a demand. It almost sounds like a plea, maybe, maybe not. Soft, almost accidental, like his mouth started running and his brain was struggling to catch up to it.]
I really don't get it. It's...me. I've clearly proven that you don't know me, that I've been lying to you for years. I plotted against you. You don't know what else I might have done. Even now, I could use my signature spell and you wouldn't be able to stop me.
[He puts the teacup back on the table again, and then shifts, as while he knows he's going to regret this, regret asking, Kalim's question is going to make him flustered...for a moment, Kalim is going to get his full attention, no illusion otherwise.]
And yet you can say I'm still important to you?
Of course you are.
[ No hesitation at all. And Jamil had Kalim's full attention the moment he set foot in this room. It doesn't waver now. ]
You've always done what's best for me. You've always looked out for me, and protected me. You've gotten hurt so much because of me, and you still never gave up on your obligation to me. Even when you could have really hurt me, you didn't. And I knew you wouldn't. I trust you.
You didn't do what you did because you wanted to hurt me. You were hurting for a long time because you had to give your life to me. I know you never wanted that. I've been really selfish with you, and I told myself you helped me because we're friends. That wasn't fair of me, it was just hard for me to see it from your perspective, because it was just-- We were always like that, right? I never had to question why we were together, because we always had been. I took it for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to see things through your eyes now, and to stop relying on you for everything. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go either, but I want you to be happy, and do incredible things, and be every bit as amazing as I know you are! Even...
[ Finally, warm as Kalim's smile is, he has to lower his head. ]
Even if that means we're not together anymore. If you stay, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated to anyone. I'll always be here to help you with whatever you need, no matter what happens. You've taken care of me for so long, I owe you a lot of favors in return. More than I could ever repay you for.
But I promise, I do know you. I didn't know you resented me so much, and there's a lot I'm still trying to understand about that. But anything else? We know everything about each other! All our likes and dislikes, all our favorite things, everything that's ever happened to us. We've done it all together since we were babies!
I wouldn't be who I am, if it weren't for you. And every day has been so much fun, and every hardship has been so much more bearable, all because I know I won't be facing them alone. I get to spend every day with the person who feels like the better half of my soul! I feel so lucky!
How could you not be the most important person to me?
[ No hesitation at all. And Jamil had Kalim's full attention the moment he set foot in this room. It doesn't waver now. ]
You've always done what's best for me. You've always looked out for me, and protected me. You've gotten hurt so much because of me, and you still never gave up on your obligation to me. Even when you could have really hurt me, you didn't. And I knew you wouldn't. I trust you.
You didn't do what you did because you wanted to hurt me. You were hurting for a long time because you had to give your life to me. I know you never wanted that. I've been really selfish with you, and I told myself you helped me because we're friends. That wasn't fair of me, it was just hard for me to see it from your perspective, because it was just-- We were always like that, right? I never had to question why we were together, because we always had been. I took it for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to see things through your eyes now, and to stop relying on you for everything. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go either, but I want you to be happy, and do incredible things, and be every bit as amazing as I know you are! Even...
[ Finally, warm as Kalim's smile is, he has to lower his head. ]
Even if that means we're not together anymore. If you stay, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated to anyone. I'll always be here to help you with whatever you need, no matter what happens. You've taken care of me for so long, I owe you a lot of favors in return. More than I could ever repay you for.
But I promise, I do know you. I didn't know you resented me so much, and there's a lot I'm still trying to understand about that. But anything else? We know everything about each other! All our likes and dislikes, all our favorite things, everything that's ever happened to us. We've done it all together since we were babies!
I wouldn't be who I am, if it weren't for you. And every day has been so much fun, and every hardship has been so much more bearable, all because I know I won't be facing them alone. I get to spend every day with the person who feels like the better half of my soul! I feel so lucky!
How could you not be the most important person to me?
this is going to determine how lucky Kalim gets later on lmf choose wisely Kalim
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
viziernary
2023-01-25 07:03 pm (UTC)(link)
[He stares at Kalim for a moment, a long, steady moment in which the only noise Kalim might be able to hear from him is a soft, shuddering exhale.
Then Jamil coincidentally shifts so he can get more comfortable on the couch, pulling his legs up on it, slumping down on it a bit, just starting to lie down on the couch, and if that makes it harder for Kalim to see his face because his knees are up and his head is down, well. Sometimes these things happen as a side effect of getting yourself comfortable.]
I see.
[The nice thing about saying just two words is that it's more difficult to read tone from just two words. It's easier to make two words sound even, neutral, deliberate, well thought out.
His hood's kind of bunched up against his neck now he's slumped down at this comfortable angle, making him less comfortable, so, with a grunt, Jamil pulls it out and over his head so that there's not a bunch of uncomfortable fabric all knotted up right there. It makes it easier to slump in a couch that way.]
You put more thought than I would've expected into this.
[It's not said in an accusatory way. Not in an angry way. Not in a pleasantly surprised way. Sometimes, a fact is just that: a fact. Neutral. Even...besides the slight waver in his tone in the end, where there was a hint of a question that Jamil wasn't going to ask.
Instead, Jamil slides down a bit more so he's even closer to lying down on the couch, and then, after a moment, he reaches out with his foot and nudges Kalim's knee.]
You'd be hopeless without me.
[This is said without looking at Kalim.]
Your tea is getting cold.
Then Jamil coincidentally shifts so he can get more comfortable on the couch, pulling his legs up on it, slumping down on it a bit, just starting to lie down on the couch, and if that makes it harder for Kalim to see his face because his knees are up and his head is down, well. Sometimes these things happen as a side effect of getting yourself comfortable.]
I see.
[The nice thing about saying just two words is that it's more difficult to read tone from just two words. It's easier to make two words sound even, neutral, deliberate, well thought out.
His hood's kind of bunched up against his neck now he's slumped down at this comfortable angle, making him less comfortable, so, with a grunt, Jamil pulls it out and over his head so that there's not a bunch of uncomfortable fabric all knotted up right there. It makes it easier to slump in a couch that way.]
You put more thought than I would've expected into this.
[It's not said in an accusatory way. Not in an angry way. Not in a pleasantly surprised way. Sometimes, a fact is just that: a fact. Neutral. Even...besides the slight waver in his tone in the end, where there was a hint of a question that Jamil wasn't going to ask.
Instead, Jamil slides down a bit more so he's even closer to lying down on the couch, and then, after a moment, he reaches out with his foot and nudges Kalim's knee.]
You'd be hopeless without me.
[This is said without looking at Kalim.]
Your tea is getting cold.
[Having been very comfortably not thinking too much about it, content to enjoy the wind and the air and the warmth of Kalim without thinking too much about what he was doing to have the warmth of Kalim so close, Jamil had been comfortable.
Had.
Past tense for a reason.
Because Kalim had to go and say that and his fingers tremble for a moment and Jamil can feel his face getting a bit hot and he has to take a moment and just focus on the air instead of Kalim, or Carpet instead of Kalim, or think about his history of magic paper that he still has to do.]
Of course.
[Please interpret that as 'of course it would feel nice, I am good at hugs as I excel in all things' instead of 'of course it's nice, I'm enjoying this too' as the former is less mortifying than the latter, even if...the latter is what's meant.]
Had.
Past tense for a reason.
Because Kalim had to go and say that and his fingers tremble for a moment and Jamil can feel his face getting a bit hot and he has to take a moment and just focus on the air instead of Kalim, or Carpet instead of Kalim, or think about his history of magic paper that he still has to do.]
Of course.
[Please interpret that as 'of course it would feel nice, I am good at hugs as I excel in all things' instead of 'of course it's nice, I'm enjoying this too' as the former is less mortifying than the latter, even if...the latter is what's meant.]
Mm hmm!
[ He has put a lot of thought into this, and he'll only continue to do so. There's nothing else for it. It's clear enough that some part of Jamil -- small or large, Kalim hasn't decided yet -- does want to stay. So if Jamil intends to stick around, then Kalim has to work doubly hard to understand his perspective.
Though it's difficult to tell which statement that affirmative murmur is directed toward. That he's thought about it? That he'd be hopeless without Jamil? That his tea is getting cold? Yes. All of the above. He nudges Jamil's foot with his knee, and takes a deeply grateful sip of his tea. Perfect, as usual.
But that entire speech was generously sprinkled with Kalim's observations and feelings, with no opportunity for Jamil to provide his own. So in the interest of better understanding Jamil's perspective-- ]
Do you think I'm wrong about any of that? Or is there anything else you want me to know?
[ He has put a lot of thought into this, and he'll only continue to do so. There's nothing else for it. It's clear enough that some part of Jamil -- small or large, Kalim hasn't decided yet -- does want to stay. So if Jamil intends to stick around, then Kalim has to work doubly hard to understand his perspective.
Though it's difficult to tell which statement that affirmative murmur is directed toward. That he's thought about it? That he'd be hopeless without Jamil? That his tea is getting cold? Yes. All of the above. He nudges Jamil's foot with his knee, and takes a deeply grateful sip of his tea. Perfect, as usual.
But that entire speech was generously sprinkled with Kalim's observations and feelings, with no opportunity for Jamil to provide his own. So in the interest of better understanding Jamil's perspective-- ]
Do you think I'm wrong about any of that? Or is there anything else you want me to know?
[ Of course. That can mean so many things, but Kalim's interpretation, as it turns out, is that it's really more of a You're welcome. And oh, if that doesn't make him feel warm all over again.
Kalim could say a great many things right now. He could extoll Jamil's virtues in a bulletpoint format. He could fill this silence between them with words or with song. But sometimes, the quiet can speak volumes louder than his mouth ever could, and he's not about to ruin a perfect moment by talking too much.
No, why would he do that, when he can ruin the moment with one well-placed question? ]
Jamil. [ Kalim's fingers are wandering, trailing away from his hair and down his chest instead. ] Where else can I touch you?
Kalim could say a great many things right now. He could extoll Jamil's virtues in a bulletpoint format. He could fill this silence between them with words or with song. But sometimes, the quiet can speak volumes louder than his mouth ever could, and he's not about to ruin a perfect moment by talking too much.
No, why would he do that, when he can ruin the moment with one well-placed question? ]
Jamil. [ Kalim's fingers are wandering, trailing away from his hair and down his chest instead. ] Where else can I touch you?
ME, WALKING OF SHAME BACK TO THIS deets later much has happened
viziernary
2023-02-21 06:20 am (UTC)(link)
[-he nudges Kalim's knee with his foot, again, as he doesn't exactly know what else to do with himself. Childish, he knows, and he's normally...better at tamping down those urges, but there's something about being stuck on a couch, listening to Kalim go on and on and on, that makes him want to do something stupid.
Kalim's tea isn't the only thing getting cold. His own is as well.]
Not really. [Okay. Okay, he can...lift his head to better look at Kalim. Instead of hiding...which he still wants to do. But Jamil tries to project...not quite indifference, at least not in the sense that he doesn't give a shit about what Kalim says, one way or another; rather, he tries to project indifference in the sense that he has listened to what Kalim has said and understands it and it doesn't faze him.
...which is sort of the same thing, really, but there's a slightly different nuance to it. One is not caring, the other is being so confident he can take whatever it is Kalim says in stride.]
I mostly just wanted to know what you thought. If you thought about it. [...] Why you'd think about it.
Kalim's tea isn't the only thing getting cold. His own is as well.]
Not really. [Okay. Okay, he can...lift his head to better look at Kalim. Instead of hiding...which he still wants to do. But Jamil tries to project...not quite indifference, at least not in the sense that he doesn't give a shit about what Kalim says, one way or another; rather, he tries to project indifference in the sense that he has listened to what Kalim has said and understands it and it doesn't faze him.
...which is sort of the same thing, really, but there's a slightly different nuance to it. One is not caring, the other is being so confident he can take whatever it is Kalim says in stride.]
I mostly just wanted to know what you thought. If you thought about it. [...] Why you'd think about it.
it's sad because all of my inboxes have a last tagged date that's around the same time
viziernary
2023-02-21 06:25 am (UTC)(link)
[And it is at this point that Jamil doesn't...quite...sit up, but Kalim could feel him jerk. His attention is very firmly fixed on Kalim now, and he can't even pretend like he doesn't notice.
Jamil's mouth opens. It shuts again. It's even more firmly shut, more decisively shut, for a moment as he stares at Kalim like Kalim had just grown three heads and revealed he's Malleus' long lost second cousin. He opens it again.]
Where...?
[This is asked in a slightly hoarse voice, a quieter voice, before his mouth shuts again, and then remains decisively shut, as he bites his lip and-
And the sensible part of Jamil knows that he should keep his damn mouth shut.
He is not going to be sensible. He is going to ask the stupid question, knowing full well that it's a stupid question.]
Where do you want to...? [He can't say 'touch me' don't make him say 'touch me' there's places he's not prepared to go yet.]
Jamil's mouth opens. It shuts again. It's even more firmly shut, more decisively shut, for a moment as he stares at Kalim like Kalim had just grown three heads and revealed he's Malleus' long lost second cousin. He opens it again.]
Where...?
[This is asked in a slightly hoarse voice, a quieter voice, before his mouth shuts again, and then remains decisively shut, as he bites his lip and-
And the sensible part of Jamil knows that he should keep his damn mouth shut.
He is not going to be sensible. He is going to ask the stupid question, knowing full well that it's a stupid question.]
Where do you want to...? [He can't say 'touch me' don't make him say 'touch me' there's places he's not prepared to go yet.]
I think I answered all of that! Right?
[ Kalim isn't sure what he expected from this. Anxious as he was to get here tonight, he hadn't precisely given much thought to how it might go down, other than the sincere hope that Jamil would -- maybe, hopefully -- lose his composure and kiss Kalim again. But if there had been any expectations, he somehow doubts that this particular scenario would be part of them.
Jamil seems almost blase about this. Just taking it in, as naturally as if Kalim were rambling about club activities, or the freshman gossip, or how pleasant the breeze feels tonight. Surprising, to say the least. Though maybe he's shutting down rather than confront the reality that Kalim's actually given this whole thing a reasonable and commendable degree of thought. That it's not just impulse. That he actually understands what he wants, why he wants it, and how that want might affect Jamil as well.
Kalim sips his tea, and then nudges Jamil's foot again. And, more subdued, he sallies forth to the question that's been crawling under his skin ever since lunch: ]
Did you like it too? Kissing me?
[ Kalim isn't sure what he expected from this. Anxious as he was to get here tonight, he hadn't precisely given much thought to how it might go down, other than the sincere hope that Jamil would -- maybe, hopefully -- lose his composure and kiss Kalim again. But if there had been any expectations, he somehow doubts that this particular scenario would be part of them.
Jamil seems almost blase about this. Just taking it in, as naturally as if Kalim were rambling about club activities, or the freshman gossip, or how pleasant the breeze feels tonight. Surprising, to say the least. Though maybe he's shutting down rather than confront the reality that Kalim's actually given this whole thing a reasonable and commendable degree of thought. That it's not just impulse. That he actually understands what he wants, why he wants it, and how that want might affect Jamil as well.
Kalim sips his tea, and then nudges Jamil's foot again. And, more subdued, he sallies forth to the question that's been crawling under his skin ever since lunch: ]
Did you like it too? Kissing me?
Anywhere you'd let me.
[ There's so much left to interpretation with a statement like that. So much that it implies. But it's not a careless statement either. Kalim is too honest; he's never uttered a single word that wasn't firmly supported by his entire heart. So anywhere covers an awful lot of ground. All the ground, really. Every single step that still stretches out between them.
But the other part of that statement is just as important. Anywhere you'd let me. Kalim can make his own willingness known, but he'll never venture beyond the boundaries that Jamil sets for him. So his fingertips stall at Jamil's chest, weave circular patterns over the front of his tunic and catch occasionally on the hems. Waiting, to either be given leave to stray farther, or to return to their place in Jamil's hair. ]
Anywhere you want me to.
[ There's so much left to interpretation with a statement like that. So much that it implies. But it's not a careless statement either. Kalim is too honest; he's never uttered a single word that wasn't firmly supported by his entire heart. So anywhere covers an awful lot of ground. All the ground, really. Every single step that still stretches out between them.
But the other part of that statement is just as important. Anywhere you'd let me. Kalim can make his own willingness known, but he'll never venture beyond the boundaries that Jamil sets for him. So his fingertips stall at Jamil's chest, weave circular patterns over the front of his tunic and catch occasionally on the hems. Waiting, to either be given leave to stray farther, or to return to their place in Jamil's hair. ]
Anywhere you want me to.
i picked that version for a reason, minor key adds tragedy and mystery to it
viziernary
2023-02-25 06:48 pm (UTC)(link)
[Jamil Viper knew that he was (supposedly) clever, but at times like this he felt like an absolute fucking idiot. He stares at Kalim, his mind strangely blank as he processes what it is that Kalim had said, and also all the ways he likely misinterpreted what it was that Kalim said.
But, ah, there was the problem with such simplicity: too few words, too few places to take it. It was just two sentences, eight words. (Nine if he counted the compound word. Jamil didn't.) Simple and short.
He froze like a deer in headlights, or maybe like a performer poised to bow before the audience and simply waiting for the curtain call. His instincts told him: he should do as Kalim asked, he shouldn't do as Kalim asked. He should give him everything and he should give him nothing. He bites his lip for a moment, flight and fight, hesitating...
...and feeling disgusted with himself for that hesitation.
Then, after a moment, Jamil takes Kalim's hand in his own and...nearly plops it on his face, much to his surprise, he didn't think he'd want that but his mind said put Kalim's hand on your cheek and he went oh. Huh. (And makes a slightly thoughtful noise at the realization, one Kalim can hear, a soft hum.)
He doesn't. Jamil just stubbornly does what he intended in the first place, which is to take Kalim's hand and slide it under his shirt...just a little. Just a tiny little bit, his dark eyes watchful, seeing Kalim's reaction.]
But, ah, there was the problem with such simplicity: too few words, too few places to take it. It was just two sentences, eight words. (Nine if he counted the compound word. Jamil didn't.) Simple and short.
He froze like a deer in headlights, or maybe like a performer poised to bow before the audience and simply waiting for the curtain call. His instincts told him: he should do as Kalim asked, he shouldn't do as Kalim asked. He should give him everything and he should give him nothing. He bites his lip for a moment, flight and fight, hesitating...
...and feeling disgusted with himself for that hesitation.
Then, after a moment, Jamil takes Kalim's hand in his own and...nearly plops it on his face, much to his surprise, he didn't think he'd want that but his mind said put Kalim's hand on your cheek and he went oh. Huh. (And makes a slightly thoughtful noise at the realization, one Kalim can hear, a soft hum.)
He doesn't. Jamil just stubbornly does what he intended in the first place, which is to take Kalim's hand and slide it under his shirt...just a little. Just a tiny little bit, his dark eyes watchful, seeing Kalim's reaction.]
Mm.
[A neutral-yet-agreeing answer to that question. Kalim did answer it. It's a lot of thought Kalim put into it. (An intimidatingly large amount of thought.) It's taking a lot of willpower to keep from screaming into the night, to continue to talk with Kalim as if they're about to go on about budgets and housewarden duties or actual menagerie discussions. Not euphemisms, actual talk about the animals.
It's...almost comfortable, even if there's a tension that Jamil can't ignore even with his best attempts at denial, and he does try. It comes almost as a relief when Kalim nudges his foot and asks that question. Almost. The question's terrible but there's only so much (metaphorical) dancing Jamil can do before his feet get tired, so to speak.
Even if the question is kind of terrifying. Well. More than kind of. But he hadn't overblotted and came out of it to run away from questions like that, yes? Even if he's half-hoping that something comes up that gives them an excuse to avoid it. Well, sort of.
Jamil nudges Kalim back with his foot. (This is starting to feel like a game the two of them are playing, nudging back and forth, and Jamil quashes the thought the second he has it.)]
Yeah.
[Terrifying. The right/"right" thing to do would've been to lie to Kalim and restore their relationship as retainer and master, and also if he did that he might as well have had died in the overblot.]
Though it caught me by surprise. [...] I didn't think you'd want to kiss me.
[At least, not like that, not something...soft, giving, willing, eager.]
[A neutral-yet-agreeing answer to that question. Kalim did answer it. It's a lot of thought Kalim put into it. (An intimidatingly large amount of thought.) It's taking a lot of willpower to keep from screaming into the night, to continue to talk with Kalim as if they're about to go on about budgets and housewarden duties or actual menagerie discussions. Not euphemisms, actual talk about the animals.
It's...almost comfortable, even if there's a tension that Jamil can't ignore even with his best attempts at denial, and he does try. It comes almost as a relief when Kalim nudges his foot and asks that question. Almost. The question's terrible but there's only so much (metaphorical) dancing Jamil can do before his feet get tired, so to speak.
Even if the question is kind of terrifying. Well. More than kind of. But he hadn't overblotted and came out of it to run away from questions like that, yes? Even if he's half-hoping that something comes up that gives them an excuse to avoid it. Well, sort of.
Jamil nudges Kalim back with his foot. (This is starting to feel like a game the two of them are playing, nudging back and forth, and Jamil quashes the thought the second he has it.)]
Yeah.
[Terrifying. The right/"right" thing to do would've been to lie to Kalim and restore their relationship as retainer and master, and also if he did that he might as well have had died in the overblot.]
Though it caught me by surprise. [...] I didn't think you'd want to kiss me.
[At least, not like that, not something...soft, giving, willing, eager.]
[There's a plea upon Kalim's lips, one that Jamil can't help but hear, but understand, but taste and touch and feel: stay. It's consuming. He doesn't know how to respond to it just yet, as he's starting to understand two things.
The first, that he needs his freedom as otherwise he'll die, metaphorically or literally. That things the way they had been would smother him, devour him, that something important would die inside of him, that he would wake up at fifty and realize that he had achieved nothing in his life if things continued the way they had been.
The second, however, is that freedom-as-he-had-envisioned-it would also kill something important inside of him. (Jamil had fantasized about it, about finally bending the knee and making a trade with Azul: something for the promise of going somewhere far away, where no one - the Al-Asims, Azul himself, even Malleus - could find him.) His fantasized idea of freedom? It would also kill him.
And so here he is, confronted by a plea, to stay, and he doesn't know how to answer it. He doesn't know what to say. Words had never been his forte, at least not when they actually mattered. He could charm and manipulate and deflect, he could bring order from chaos, but Jamil didn't know what to say when it actually mattered. Like now.
Fortunately- and it's funny, not that long ago he wouldn't have called a situation like this fortunate, but it's fortunate in this case. They're kissing. Jamil can't talk, and he doesn't want to talk. He can't answer Kalim's unvoiced plea, and he doesn't have to.
Instead, his fingers dig into Kalim's body (Later, he'd be embarrassed to remember where his left hand had ended up, but that would be later. For now, all he knows is that he wants to hold onto Kalim, fingers sinking in like he's some wild thing holding tight to his prey, and it doesn't matter if he's touching a thigh, a waist, a hip, or...something else.) Instead, he pulls Kalim close, holds him close, greedily keeping him from Scarabia, Night Raven College, the world. Greedy, selfish, and for one wild moment (Jamil groans, soft, muffled) he fantasizes about a future in which he bargains his everything with Azul in exchange for him and Kalim going somewhere far away, beyond the reach of the Al-Asims, Azul himself, Malleus, all the powers that would try to find Kalim, where he could keep Kalim for his own.
He couldn't, and he wouldn't, but he imagines that and his fingers curl into Kalim's body and squeeze as they kiss.]
The first, that he needs his freedom as otherwise he'll die, metaphorically or literally. That things the way they had been would smother him, devour him, that something important would die inside of him, that he would wake up at fifty and realize that he had achieved nothing in his life if things continued the way they had been.
The second, however, is that freedom-as-he-had-envisioned-it would also kill something important inside of him. (Jamil had fantasized about it, about finally bending the knee and making a trade with Azul: something for the promise of going somewhere far away, where no one - the Al-Asims, Azul himself, even Malleus - could find him.) His fantasized idea of freedom? It would also kill him.
And so here he is, confronted by a plea, to stay, and he doesn't know how to answer it. He doesn't know what to say. Words had never been his forte, at least not when they actually mattered. He could charm and manipulate and deflect, he could bring order from chaos, but Jamil didn't know what to say when it actually mattered. Like now.
Fortunately- and it's funny, not that long ago he wouldn't have called a situation like this fortunate, but it's fortunate in this case. They're kissing. Jamil can't talk, and he doesn't want to talk. He can't answer Kalim's unvoiced plea, and he doesn't have to.
Instead, his fingers dig into Kalim's body (Later, he'd be embarrassed to remember where his left hand had ended up, but that would be later. For now, all he knows is that he wants to hold onto Kalim, fingers sinking in like he's some wild thing holding tight to his prey, and it doesn't matter if he's touching a thigh, a waist, a hip, or...something else.) Instead, he pulls Kalim close, holds him close, greedily keeping him from Scarabia, Night Raven College, the world. Greedy, selfish, and for one wild moment (Jamil groans, soft, muffled) he fantasizes about a future in which he bargains his everything with Azul in exchange for him and Kalim going somewhere far away, beyond the reach of the Al-Asims, Azul himself, Malleus, all the powers that would try to find Kalim, where he could keep Kalim for his own.
He couldn't, and he wouldn't, but he imagines that and his fingers curl into Kalim's body and squeeze as they kiss.]
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