[ kalim can't deny it, especially not when his head is falling back to chase jamil's touch. it's something to be savored, and kalim is more intimately aware of that fact than he ever has been before. but he's becoming more familiar with a lot of alien concepts recently. self-doubt is chief among them. he never had any reason to doubt himself before. his confidence was unshakeable. because failure is inevitable, only an opportunity to learn, and his most ardent pillars of support could never flag under a little tremor like defeat.
jamil's pillar was always the thickest, the most central. steadfast, diamond and titanium, invisible but coveted above all things. he played his part so completely, so perfectly, that kalim never even saw the cracks. there was so much taken for granted; that jamil was as happy to be beside him as kalim was to have him, that he was there because he wanted to be, that he resented nothing and helped only because there was love between them. illusions unnumbered, and kalim believed every one. how could he ever think to question it, when it was all he ever knew?
for a single, terrifying moment, kalim was certain that jamil's treasured pillar had never been there at all. that everything he'd known about their lives had been a carefully-constructed and cleverly-maintained lie. that every win jamil ever let him have, that every note left in his satchel, that every touch and every kiss, had been nothing more than obligation. it's a seed of doubt that's blossomed into a choking vine, or into the poisoned pull of a marionette's strings, tugging every notion deep into the shadow of doubt before kalim can even attempt to dismiss it.
it crushed him, crippled him, to think that he would never feel this touch again, to imagine that it had never been wanted (or even granted willingly) in the first place. that is what he's still trying to find his way back from, and it's the labor of a million paces through a parched desert.
luckily, kalim is intimately acquainted with the rain. ]
I can't make you do anything. I never could.
[ a sound reminder, while kalim catches jamil's hand, and then tilts his head to press a soft kiss to his palm. ]
no subject
[ kalim can't deny it, especially not when his head is falling back to chase jamil's touch. it's something to be savored, and kalim is more intimately aware of that fact than he ever has been before. but he's becoming more familiar with a lot of alien concepts recently. self-doubt is chief among them. he never had any reason to doubt himself before. his confidence was unshakeable. because failure is inevitable, only an opportunity to learn, and his most ardent pillars of support could never flag under a little tremor like defeat.
jamil's pillar was always the thickest, the most central. steadfast, diamond and titanium, invisible but coveted above all things. he played his part so completely, so perfectly, that kalim never even saw the cracks. there was so much taken for granted; that jamil was as happy to be beside him as kalim was to have him, that he was there because he wanted to be, that he resented nothing and helped only because there was love between them. illusions unnumbered, and kalim believed every one. how could he ever think to question it, when it was all he ever knew?
for a single, terrifying moment, kalim was certain that jamil's treasured pillar had never been there at all. that everything he'd known about their lives had been a carefully-constructed and cleverly-maintained lie. that every win jamil ever let him have, that every note left in his satchel, that every touch and every kiss, had been nothing more than obligation. it's a seed of doubt that's blossomed into a choking vine, or into the poisoned pull of a marionette's strings, tugging every notion deep into the shadow of doubt before kalim can even attempt to dismiss it.
it crushed him, crippled him, to think that he would never feel this touch again, to imagine that it had never been wanted (or even granted willingly) in the first place. that is what he's still trying to find his way back from, and it's the labor of a million paces through a parched desert.
luckily, kalim is intimately acquainted with the rain. ]
I can't make you do anything. I never could.
[ a sound reminder, while kalim catches jamil's hand, and then tilts his head to press a soft kiss to his palm. ]