[-and then there, there, fingers against his cheekbones, asking him to look up, stilling his thoughts. Not forcing, not demanding. A simple ask. He does.
Kalim's gaze is as warm as always, and it reminds Jamil of two things: the first, that from the moment he had been born, it had been decided that his life would revolve around Kalim's own. It was something that had made Jamil bitter, and something that would always make him bitter. It would always be something that he would resent, something that, even if he loved his parents in all other respects (and he does) he'd always hold against them. Just a little. Always, just a little.
But, the second and more important thing: that when he had the opportunity to choose, when all of his schemes were laid bare and Kalim knew just how much he resented...everything, that he had been holding things back, that he had been lying for years, when Azul had flung the doors of Octavinelle wide open and Kalim's money could make that transfer happen very easily, very quickly...he still had chosen Scarabia. Jamil still had chosen Kalim.
And this is why. Kalim could see him, terrified over a ridiculous reason. Of all the stupid reasons. Scared of something he had started. Him, someone who had said he'd never hold himself back again, scared of something he had started. And Kalim could see that, and ask him to look at him, and still look at him with warmth, all just to say that it's all right. And that he could keep going.
What does he say to that? What is he supposed to say to that?
He doesn't have the words. Instead: Jamil closes his eyes for a moment. He forces himself to breathe. He reminds himself that the world is nowhere near this place. It's just the two of them and a silent tomb, a replica of something that might not have ever existed.
Jamil opens his eyes again. He nearly nods, but, ah, they are so close. One wrong move of his head might result in him headbutting Kalim by accident, and he'd never forgive himself if he ruined the moment first by his idiot fear, and then second by headbutting Kalim Al-Asim.]
Mm.
[A soft noise.]
I know.
[And that's what terrifies him, that all of Kalim's reassurance just tells him something that, deep down, Jamil knows to be true. But he still kisses Kalim anyway, and in this kiss he pours all of his yearning. (What he yearns for he doesn't know, but Jamil knows that he wants, he wants.)]
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Kalim's gaze is as warm as always, and it reminds Jamil of two things: the first, that from the moment he had been born, it had been decided that his life would revolve around Kalim's own. It was something that had made Jamil bitter, and something that would always make him bitter. It would always be something that he would resent, something that, even if he loved his parents in all other respects (and he does) he'd always hold against them. Just a little. Always, just a little.
But, the second and more important thing: that when he had the opportunity to choose, when all of his schemes were laid bare and Kalim knew just how much he resented...everything, that he had been holding things back, that he had been lying for years, when Azul had flung the doors of Octavinelle wide open and Kalim's money could make that transfer happen very easily, very quickly...he still had chosen Scarabia. Jamil still had chosen Kalim.
And this is why. Kalim could see him, terrified over a ridiculous reason. Of all the stupid reasons. Scared of something he had started. Him, someone who had said he'd never hold himself back again, scared of something he had started. And Kalim could see that, and ask him to look at him, and still look at him with warmth, all just to say that it's all right. And that he could keep going.
What does he say to that? What is he supposed to say to that?
He doesn't have the words. Instead: Jamil closes his eyes for a moment. He forces himself to breathe. He reminds himself that the world is nowhere near this place. It's just the two of them and a silent tomb, a replica of something that might not have ever existed.
Jamil opens his eyes again. He nearly nods, but, ah, they are so close. One wrong move of his head might result in him headbutting Kalim by accident, and he'd never forgive himself if he ruined the moment first by his idiot fear, and then second by headbutting Kalim Al-Asim.]
Mm.
[A soft noise.]
I know.
[And that's what terrifies him, that all of Kalim's reassurance just tells him something that, deep down, Jamil knows to be true. But he still kisses Kalim anyway, and in this kiss he pours all of his yearning. (What he yearns for he doesn't know, but Jamil knows that he wants, he wants.)]