[ Hate me. That's what Jamil said, isn't it? That he hates Kalim, that he always has? A huge part of finding even ground between them is -- quite simply -- taking what Jamil says with more than a grain of salt, and Kalim is still figuring out how to navigate that. Which words are serious and which are defense mechanisms? What does Kalim need to take to heart, and what can he bend to help break these walls?
Before that moment, Kalim never realized that words could feel like quicksand. That they could snare, that he could sink, that they could pull him under and suffocate him. Crush him. Break his heart. And now that he knows Jamil has that power over him, every word from his lips is just a little terrifying. ]
I didn't think you'd ever want something like that from me.
[ More subdued; he doesn't know how else to say it. His hand has stalled on Jamil's ankle, touch light but fingers perfectly draped over the curves of his lower leg. ]
[He hesitates. The touch is light on his ankle. He doesn't know if he wants to pull his leg away or aggressively lean on Kalim all the more. Jamil doesn't move. He just looks at Kalim, contemplative and quiet.]
I didn't either.
[Then, that, as Jamil shifts to put more of his weight on Kalim. It wasn't as if he was holding Kalim down, but if Kalim got up unexpectedly he'd likely be dislodged from his seat and flop to the ground.]
I never would have thought that I'd want to kiss you. I don't even like you. That hasn't changed.
[He hesitates. It would be easy enough to leave it at that. It would be easy enough to say just that and leave.]
Then, we had to, and I realized I didn't want to kiss you like that. I didn't want to kiss you only because I had to. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to.
[ A deeper twist of the knife. Kalim's fingers shake, almost imperceptibly, and the hand at Jamil's ankle drifts away, moves to rest in his own lap instead. He can still feel Jamil's skin beneath his fingertips though, all the abandoned points of contact lighting up his nerves with warmth, and making his chest ache all the more. ]
Why would you want to kiss someone you don't like?
[ Kalim's thumb rides over the heel of his opposite palm, anxious for something to occupy itself with now that Jamil's leg is no longer an option. ]
You should kiss people you like, shouldn't you?
[ You should kiss people you love, by Kalim's figuring. But that feels like even less plausible than like. ]
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no subject
[ Hate me. That's what Jamil said, isn't it? That he hates Kalim, that he always has? A huge part of finding even ground between them is -- quite simply -- taking what Jamil says with more than a grain of salt, and Kalim is still figuring out how to navigate that. Which words are serious and which are defense mechanisms? What does Kalim need to take to heart, and what can he bend to help break these walls?
Before that moment, Kalim never realized that words could feel like quicksand. That they could snare, that he could sink, that they could pull him under and suffocate him. Crush him. Break his heart. And now that he knows Jamil has that power over him, every word from his lips is just a little terrifying. ]
I didn't think you'd ever want something like that from me.
[ More subdued; he doesn't know how else to say it. His hand has stalled on Jamil's ankle, touch light but fingers perfectly draped over the curves of his lower leg. ]
no subject
I didn't either.
[Then, that, as Jamil shifts to put more of his weight on Kalim. It wasn't as if he was holding Kalim down, but if Kalim got up unexpectedly he'd likely be dislodged from his seat and flop to the ground.]
I never would have thought that I'd want to kiss you. I don't even like you. That hasn't changed.
[He hesitates. It would be easy enough to leave it at that. It would be easy enough to say just that and leave.]
Then, we had to, and I realized I didn't want to kiss you like that. I didn't want to kiss you only because I had to. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to.
no subject
Why would you want to kiss someone you don't like?
[ Kalim's thumb rides over the heel of his opposite palm, anxious for something to occupy itself with now that Jamil's leg is no longer an option. ]
You should kiss people you like, shouldn't you?
[ You should kiss people you love, by Kalim's figuring. But that feels like even less plausible than like. ]