[A neutral-yet-agreeing answer to that question. Kalim did answer it. It's a lot of thought Kalim put into it. (An intimidatingly large amount of thought.) It's taking a lot of willpower to keep from screaming into the night, to continue to talk with Kalim as if they're about to go on about budgets and housewarden duties or actual menagerie discussions. Not euphemisms, actual talk about the animals.
It's...almost comfortable, even if there's a tension that Jamil can't ignore even with his best attempts at denial, and he does try. It comes almost as a relief when Kalim nudges his foot and asks that question. Almost. The question's terrible but there's only so much (metaphorical) dancing Jamil can do before his feet get tired, so to speak.
Even if the question is kind of terrifying. Well. More than kind of. But he hadn't overblotted and came out of it to run away from questions like that, yes? Even if he's half-hoping that something comes up that gives them an excuse to avoid it. Well, sort of.
Jamil nudges Kalim back with his foot. (This is starting to feel like a game the two of them are playing, nudging back and forth, and Jamil quashes the thought the second he has it.)]
Yeah.
[Terrifying. The right/"right" thing to do would've been to lie to Kalim and restore their relationship as retainer and master, and also if he did that he might as well have had died in the overblot.]
Though it caught me by surprise. [...] I didn't think you'd want to kiss me.
[At least, not like that, not something...soft, giving, willing, eager.]
[ There's genuine surprise in Kalim's curious little hum. Jamil didn't think Kalim wanted to kiss him? Jamil didn't know? Jamil -- who knows everything and wields that knowledge like a poison-tipped weapon -- didn't see this for what it was, from the moment their lips first met in the menagerie?
That's-- Well. Shocking, quite frankly. Maybe Kalim's finally found Jamil's blind spot with all this; maybe he's so desperate to refuse any acknowledgment of Kalim's feelings for him, he's neglected to consider they might be mutual.
Kalim finishes off his tea, and carefully sets the saucer aside on the coffee table. It frees up his hands, and he catches Jamil's ankle when he makes to nudge at Kalim again. It's more to get his attention than any other reason, to get Jamil to lift his head and look him in the eye (and all he'll find there is aching sincerity). But now that it's there, his hand seems content to simply rest on Jamil's leg, fingertips twitching over his anklet like they're itching to dip beneath it. ]
I want to kiss you a lot! I know we're not supposed to, but it feels right. Like that's how we're meant to be. Or like it's just the next step in this path we've always walked together. So--
I want to. I'd like to! If that's what you want too.
[In response to that, Jamil shifts...the better to rest his leg against Kalim, to settle his foot atop Kalim. Something like that. If Kalim wanted his foot/ankle/leg/whatever, then he could have it. And, well.
His foot/ankle/leg/whatever being held prisoner wasn't such a bad thing, really.]
Hm.
[Now it was his turn for a curious hum, one which was more deliberate than Kalim's own. Drawn out. Pondering. If Kalim's hum was the trilling of a surprised bird, then his was the slow slither of a snake.]
I don't mind.
[No, that's indecisive, and he cursed himself the second he heard himself say that.]
No. [No. He knows what he wants, he knows what he wants, he won't hold himself back anymore. no half-hearted measures, no half-hearted words.] I'd like that.
[But, circling back.]
But is it that surprising? You were surprised when I kissed you.
[ Hate me. That's what Jamil said, isn't it? That he hates Kalim, that he always has? A huge part of finding even ground between them is -- quite simply -- taking what Jamil says with more than a grain of salt, and Kalim is still figuring out how to navigate that. Which words are serious and which are defense mechanisms? What does Kalim need to take to heart, and what can he bend to help break these walls?
Before that moment, Kalim never realized that words could feel like quicksand. That they could snare, that he could sink, that they could pull him under and suffocate him. Crush him. Break his heart. And now that he knows Jamil has that power over him, every word from his lips is just a little terrifying. ]
I didn't think you'd ever want something like that from me.
[ More subdued; he doesn't know how else to say it. His hand has stalled on Jamil's ankle, touch light but fingers perfectly draped over the curves of his lower leg. ]
[He hesitates. The touch is light on his ankle. He doesn't know if he wants to pull his leg away or aggressively lean on Kalim all the more. Jamil doesn't move. He just looks at Kalim, contemplative and quiet.]
I didn't either.
[Then, that, as Jamil shifts to put more of his weight on Kalim. It wasn't as if he was holding Kalim down, but if Kalim got up unexpectedly he'd likely be dislodged from his seat and flop to the ground.]
I never would have thought that I'd want to kiss you. I don't even like you. That hasn't changed.
[He hesitates. It would be easy enough to leave it at that. It would be easy enough to say just that and leave.]
Then, we had to, and I realized I didn't want to kiss you like that. I didn't want to kiss you only because I had to. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to.
[ A deeper twist of the knife. Kalim's fingers shake, almost imperceptibly, and the hand at Jamil's ankle drifts away, moves to rest in his own lap instead. He can still feel Jamil's skin beneath his fingertips though, all the abandoned points of contact lighting up his nerves with warmth, and making his chest ache all the more. ]
Why would you want to kiss someone you don't like?
[ Kalim's thumb rides over the heel of his opposite palm, anxious for something to occupy itself with now that Jamil's leg is no longer an option. ]
You should kiss people you like, shouldn't you?
[ You should kiss people you love, by Kalim's figuring. But that feels like even less plausible than like. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[A neutral-yet-agreeing answer to that question. Kalim did answer it. It's a lot of thought Kalim put into it. (An intimidatingly large amount of thought.) It's taking a lot of willpower to keep from screaming into the night, to continue to talk with Kalim as if they're about to go on about budgets and housewarden duties or actual menagerie discussions. Not euphemisms, actual talk about the animals.
It's...almost comfortable, even if there's a tension that Jamil can't ignore even with his best attempts at denial, and he does try. It comes almost as a relief when Kalim nudges his foot and asks that question. Almost. The question's terrible but there's only so much (metaphorical) dancing Jamil can do before his feet get tired, so to speak.
Even if the question is kind of terrifying. Well. More than kind of. But he hadn't overblotted and came out of it to run away from questions like that, yes? Even if he's half-hoping that something comes up that gives them an excuse to avoid it. Well, sort of.
Jamil nudges Kalim back with his foot. (This is starting to feel like a game the two of them are playing, nudging back and forth, and Jamil quashes the thought the second he has it.)]
Yeah.
[Terrifying. The right/"right" thing to do would've been to lie to Kalim and restore their relationship as retainer and master, and also if he did that he might as well have had died in the overblot.]
Though it caught me by surprise. [...] I didn't think you'd want to kiss me.
[At least, not like that, not something...soft, giving, willing, eager.]
no subject
[ There's genuine surprise in Kalim's curious little hum. Jamil didn't think Kalim wanted to kiss him? Jamil didn't know? Jamil -- who knows everything and wields that knowledge like a poison-tipped weapon -- didn't see this for what it was, from the moment their lips first met in the menagerie?
That's-- Well. Shocking, quite frankly. Maybe Kalim's finally found Jamil's blind spot with all this; maybe he's so desperate to refuse any acknowledgment of Kalim's feelings for him, he's neglected to consider they might be mutual.
Kalim finishes off his tea, and carefully sets the saucer aside on the coffee table. It frees up his hands, and he catches Jamil's ankle when he makes to nudge at Kalim again. It's more to get his attention than any other reason, to get Jamil to lift his head and look him in the eye (and all he'll find there is aching sincerity). But now that it's there, his hand seems content to simply rest on Jamil's leg, fingertips twitching over his anklet like they're itching to dip beneath it. ]
I want to kiss you a lot! I know we're not supposed to, but it feels right. Like that's how we're meant to be. Or like it's just the next step in this path we've always walked together. So--
I want to. I'd like to! If that's what you want too.
no subject
His foot/ankle/leg/whatever being held prisoner wasn't such a bad thing, really.]
Hm.
[Now it was his turn for a curious hum, one which was more deliberate than Kalim's own. Drawn out. Pondering. If Kalim's hum was the trilling of a surprised bird, then his was the slow slither of a snake.]
I don't mind.
[No, that's indecisive, and he cursed himself the second he heard himself say that.]
No. [No. He knows what he wants, he knows what he wants, he won't hold himself back anymore. no half-hearted measures, no half-hearted words.] I'd like that.
[But, circling back.]
But is it that surprising? You were surprised when I kissed you.
no subject
[ Hate me. That's what Jamil said, isn't it? That he hates Kalim, that he always has? A huge part of finding even ground between them is -- quite simply -- taking what Jamil says with more than a grain of salt, and Kalim is still figuring out how to navigate that. Which words are serious and which are defense mechanisms? What does Kalim need to take to heart, and what can he bend to help break these walls?
Before that moment, Kalim never realized that words could feel like quicksand. That they could snare, that he could sink, that they could pull him under and suffocate him. Crush him. Break his heart. And now that he knows Jamil has that power over him, every word from his lips is just a little terrifying. ]
I didn't think you'd ever want something like that from me.
[ More subdued; he doesn't know how else to say it. His hand has stalled on Jamil's ankle, touch light but fingers perfectly draped over the curves of his lower leg. ]
no subject
I didn't either.
[Then, that, as Jamil shifts to put more of his weight on Kalim. It wasn't as if he was holding Kalim down, but if Kalim got up unexpectedly he'd likely be dislodged from his seat and flop to the ground.]
I never would have thought that I'd want to kiss you. I don't even like you. That hasn't changed.
[He hesitates. It would be easy enough to leave it at that. It would be easy enough to say just that and leave.]
Then, we had to, and I realized I didn't want to kiss you like that. I didn't want to kiss you only because I had to. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to.
no subject
Why would you want to kiss someone you don't like?
[ Kalim's thumb rides over the heel of his opposite palm, anxious for something to occupy itself with now that Jamil's leg is no longer an option. ]
You should kiss people you like, shouldn't you?
[ You should kiss people you love, by Kalim's figuring. But that feels like even less plausible than like. ]