[ No hesitation at all. And Jamil had Kalim's full attention the moment he set foot in this room. It doesn't waver now. ]
You've always done what's best for me. You've always looked out for me, and protected me. You've gotten hurt so much because of me, and you still never gave up on your obligation to me. Even when you could have really hurt me, you didn't. And I knew you wouldn't. I trust you.
You didn't do what you did because you wanted to hurt me. You were hurting for a long time because you had to give your life to me. I know you never wanted that. I've been really selfish with you, and I told myself you helped me because we're friends. That wasn't fair of me, it was just hard for me to see it from your perspective, because it was just-- We were always like that, right? I never had to question why we were together, because we always had been. I took it for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to see things through your eyes now, and to stop relying on you for everything. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go either, but I want you to be happy, and do incredible things, and be every bit as amazing as I know you are! Even...
[ Finally, warm as Kalim's smile is, he has to lower his head. ]
Even if that means we're not together anymore. If you stay, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated to anyone. I'll always be here to help you with whatever you need, no matter what happens. You've taken care of me for so long, I owe you a lot of favors in return. More than I could ever repay you for.
But I promise, I do know you. I didn't know you resented me so much, and there's a lot I'm still trying to understand about that. But anything else? We know everything about each other! All our likes and dislikes, all our favorite things, everything that's ever happened to us. We've done it all together since we were babies!
I wouldn't be who I am, if it weren't for you. And every day has been so much fun, and every hardship has been so much more bearable, all because I know I won't be facing them alone. I get to spend every day with the person who feels like the better half of my soul! I feel so lucky!
How could you not be the most important person to me?
this is going to determine how lucky Kalim gets later on lmf choose wisely Kalim
[He stares at Kalim for a moment, a long, steady moment in which the only noise Kalim might be able to hear from him is a soft, shuddering exhale.
Then Jamil coincidentally shifts so he can get more comfortable on the couch, pulling his legs up on it, slumping down on it a bit, just starting to lie down on the couch, and if that makes it harder for Kalim to see his face because his knees are up and his head is down, well. Sometimes these things happen as a side effect of getting yourself comfortable.]
I see.
[The nice thing about saying just two words is that it's more difficult to read tone from just two words. It's easier to make two words sound even, neutral, deliberate, well thought out.
His hood's kind of bunched up against his neck now he's slumped down at this comfortable angle, making him less comfortable, so, with a grunt, Jamil pulls it out and over his head so that there's not a bunch of uncomfortable fabric all knotted up right there. It makes it easier to slump in a couch that way.]
You put more thought than I would've expected into this.
[It's not said in an accusatory way. Not in an angry way. Not in a pleasantly surprised way. Sometimes, a fact is just that: a fact. Neutral. Even...besides the slight waver in his tone in the end, where there was a hint of a question that Jamil wasn't going to ask.
Instead, Jamil slides down a bit more so he's even closer to lying down on the couch, and then, after a moment, he reaches out with his foot and nudges Kalim's knee.]
[ He has put a lot of thought into this, and he'll only continue to do so. There's nothing else for it. It's clear enough that some part of Jamil -- small or large, Kalim hasn't decided yet -- does want to stay. So if Jamil intends to stick around, then Kalim has to work doubly hard to understand his perspective.
Though it's difficult to tell which statement that affirmative murmur is directed toward. That he's thought about it? That he'd be hopeless without Jamil? That his tea is getting cold? Yes. All of the above. He nudges Jamil's foot with his knee, and takes a deeply grateful sip of his tea. Perfect, as usual.
But that entire speech was generously sprinkled with Kalim's observations and feelings, with no opportunity for Jamil to provide his own. So in the interest of better understanding Jamil's perspective-- ]
Do you think I'm wrong about any of that? Or is there anything else you want me to know?
ME, WALKING OF SHAME BACK TO THIS deets later much has happened
[-he nudges Kalim's knee with his foot, again, as he doesn't exactly know what else to do with himself. Childish, he knows, and he's normally...better at tamping down those urges, but there's something about being stuck on a couch, listening to Kalim go on and on and on, that makes him want to do something stupid.
Kalim's tea isn't the only thing getting cold. His own is as well.]
Not really. [Okay. Okay, he can...lift his head to better look at Kalim. Instead of hiding...which he still wants to do. But Jamil tries to project...not quite indifference, at least not in the sense that he doesn't give a shit about what Kalim says, one way or another; rather, he tries to project indifference in the sense that he has listened to what Kalim has said and understands it and it doesn't faze him.
...which is sort of the same thing, really, but there's a slightly different nuance to it. One is not caring, the other is being so confident he can take whatever it is Kalim says in stride.]
I mostly just wanted to know what you thought. If you thought about it. [...] Why you'd think about it.
[ Kalim isn't sure what he expected from this. Anxious as he was to get here tonight, he hadn't precisely given much thought to how it might go down, other than the sincere hope that Jamil would -- maybe, hopefully -- lose his composure and kiss Kalim again. But if there had been any expectations, he somehow doubts that this particular scenario would be part of them.
Jamil seems almost blase about this. Just taking it in, as naturally as if Kalim were rambling about club activities, or the freshman gossip, or how pleasant the breeze feels tonight. Surprising, to say the least. Though maybe he's shutting down rather than confront the reality that Kalim's actually given this whole thing a reasonable and commendable degree of thought. That it's not just impulse. That he actually understands what he wants, why he wants it, and how that want might affect Jamil as well.
Kalim sips his tea, and then nudges Jamil's foot again. And, more subdued, he sallies forth to the question that's been crawling under his skin ever since lunch: ]
[A neutral-yet-agreeing answer to that question. Kalim did answer it. It's a lot of thought Kalim put into it. (An intimidatingly large amount of thought.) It's taking a lot of willpower to keep from screaming into the night, to continue to talk with Kalim as if they're about to go on about budgets and housewarden duties or actual menagerie discussions. Not euphemisms, actual talk about the animals.
It's...almost comfortable, even if there's a tension that Jamil can't ignore even with his best attempts at denial, and he does try. It comes almost as a relief when Kalim nudges his foot and asks that question. Almost. The question's terrible but there's only so much (metaphorical) dancing Jamil can do before his feet get tired, so to speak.
Even if the question is kind of terrifying. Well. More than kind of. But he hadn't overblotted and came out of it to run away from questions like that, yes? Even if he's half-hoping that something comes up that gives them an excuse to avoid it. Well, sort of.
Jamil nudges Kalim back with his foot. (This is starting to feel like a game the two of them are playing, nudging back and forth, and Jamil quashes the thought the second he has it.)]
Yeah.
[Terrifying. The right/"right" thing to do would've been to lie to Kalim and restore their relationship as retainer and master, and also if he did that he might as well have had died in the overblot.]
Though it caught me by surprise. [...] I didn't think you'd want to kiss me.
[At least, not like that, not something...soft, giving, willing, eager.]
[ There's genuine surprise in Kalim's curious little hum. Jamil didn't think Kalim wanted to kiss him? Jamil didn't know? Jamil -- who knows everything and wields that knowledge like a poison-tipped weapon -- didn't see this for what it was, from the moment their lips first met in the menagerie?
That's-- Well. Shocking, quite frankly. Maybe Kalim's finally found Jamil's blind spot with all this; maybe he's so desperate to refuse any acknowledgment of Kalim's feelings for him, he's neglected to consider they might be mutual.
Kalim finishes off his tea, and carefully sets the saucer aside on the coffee table. It frees up his hands, and he catches Jamil's ankle when he makes to nudge at Kalim again. It's more to get his attention than any other reason, to get Jamil to lift his head and look him in the eye (and all he'll find there is aching sincerity). But now that it's there, his hand seems content to simply rest on Jamil's leg, fingertips twitching over his anklet like they're itching to dip beneath it. ]
I want to kiss you a lot! I know we're not supposed to, but it feels right. Like that's how we're meant to be. Or like it's just the next step in this path we've always walked together. So--
I want to. I'd like to! If that's what you want too.
[In response to that, Jamil shifts...the better to rest his leg against Kalim, to settle his foot atop Kalim. Something like that. If Kalim wanted his foot/ankle/leg/whatever, then he could have it. And, well.
His foot/ankle/leg/whatever being held prisoner wasn't such a bad thing, really.]
Hm.
[Now it was his turn for a curious hum, one which was more deliberate than Kalim's own. Drawn out. Pondering. If Kalim's hum was the trilling of a surprised bird, then his was the slow slither of a snake.]
I don't mind.
[No, that's indecisive, and he cursed himself the second he heard himself say that.]
No. [No. He knows what he wants, he knows what he wants, he won't hold himself back anymore. no half-hearted measures, no half-hearted words.] I'd like that.
[But, circling back.]
But is it that surprising? You were surprised when I kissed you.
[ Hate me. That's what Jamil said, isn't it? That he hates Kalim, that he always has? A huge part of finding even ground between them is -- quite simply -- taking what Jamil says with more than a grain of salt, and Kalim is still figuring out how to navigate that. Which words are serious and which are defense mechanisms? What does Kalim need to take to heart, and what can he bend to help break these walls?
Before that moment, Kalim never realized that words could feel like quicksand. That they could snare, that he could sink, that they could pull him under and suffocate him. Crush him. Break his heart. And now that he knows Jamil has that power over him, every word from his lips is just a little terrifying. ]
I didn't think you'd ever want something like that from me.
[ More subdued; he doesn't know how else to say it. His hand has stalled on Jamil's ankle, touch light but fingers perfectly draped over the curves of his lower leg. ]
[He hesitates. The touch is light on his ankle. He doesn't know if he wants to pull his leg away or aggressively lean on Kalim all the more. Jamil doesn't move. He just looks at Kalim, contemplative and quiet.]
I didn't either.
[Then, that, as Jamil shifts to put more of his weight on Kalim. It wasn't as if he was holding Kalim down, but if Kalim got up unexpectedly he'd likely be dislodged from his seat and flop to the ground.]
I never would have thought that I'd want to kiss you. I don't even like you. That hasn't changed.
[He hesitates. It would be easy enough to leave it at that. It would be easy enough to say just that and leave.]
Then, we had to, and I realized I didn't want to kiss you like that. I didn't want to kiss you only because I had to. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to.
[ A deeper twist of the knife. Kalim's fingers shake, almost imperceptibly, and the hand at Jamil's ankle drifts away, moves to rest in his own lap instead. He can still feel Jamil's skin beneath his fingertips though, all the abandoned points of contact lighting up his nerves with warmth, and making his chest ache all the more. ]
Why would you want to kiss someone you don't like?
[ Kalim's thumb rides over the heel of his opposite palm, anxious for something to occupy itself with now that Jamil's leg is no longer an option. ]
You should kiss people you like, shouldn't you?
[ You should kiss people you love, by Kalim's figuring. But that feels like even less plausible than like. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
in which kalim finally pours his heart out
[ No hesitation at all. And Jamil had Kalim's full attention the moment he set foot in this room. It doesn't waver now. ]
You've always done what's best for me. You've always looked out for me, and protected me. You've gotten hurt so much because of me, and you still never gave up on your obligation to me. Even when you could have really hurt me, you didn't. And I knew you wouldn't. I trust you.
You didn't do what you did because you wanted to hurt me. You were hurting for a long time because you had to give your life to me. I know you never wanted that. I've been really selfish with you, and I told myself you helped me because we're friends. That wasn't fair of me, it was just hard for me to see it from your perspective, because it was just-- We were always like that, right? I never had to question why we were together, because we always had been. I took it for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to see things through your eyes now, and to stop relying on you for everything. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go either, but I want you to be happy, and do incredible things, and be every bit as amazing as I know you are! Even...
[ Finally, warm as Kalim's smile is, he has to lower his head. ]
Even if that means we're not together anymore. If you stay, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated to anyone. I'll always be here to help you with whatever you need, no matter what happens. You've taken care of me for so long, I owe you a lot of favors in return. More than I could ever repay you for.
But I promise, I do know you. I didn't know you resented me so much, and there's a lot I'm still trying to understand about that. But anything else? We know everything about each other! All our likes and dislikes, all our favorite things, everything that's ever happened to us. We've done it all together since we were babies!
I wouldn't be who I am, if it weren't for you. And every day has been so much fun, and every hardship has been so much more bearable, all because I know I won't be facing them alone. I get to spend every day with the person who feels like the better half of my soul! I feel so lucky!
How could you not be the most important person to me?
this is going to determine how lucky Kalim gets later on lmf choose wisely Kalim
Then Jamil coincidentally shifts so he can get more comfortable on the couch, pulling his legs up on it, slumping down on it a bit, just starting to lie down on the couch, and if that makes it harder for Kalim to see his face because his knees are up and his head is down, well. Sometimes these things happen as a side effect of getting yourself comfortable.]
I see.
[The nice thing about saying just two words is that it's more difficult to read tone from just two words. It's easier to make two words sound even, neutral, deliberate, well thought out.
His hood's kind of bunched up against his neck now he's slumped down at this comfortable angle, making him less comfortable, so, with a grunt, Jamil pulls it out and over his head so that there's not a bunch of uncomfortable fabric all knotted up right there. It makes it easier to slump in a couch that way.]
You put more thought than I would've expected into this.
[It's not said in an accusatory way. Not in an angry way. Not in a pleasantly surprised way. Sometimes, a fact is just that: a fact. Neutral. Even...besides the slight waver in his tone in the end, where there was a hint of a question that Jamil wasn't going to ask.
Instead, Jamil slides down a bit more so he's even closer to lying down on the couch, and then, after a moment, he reaches out with his foot and nudges Kalim's knee.]
You'd be hopeless without me.
[This is said without looking at Kalim.]
Your tea is getting cold.
AND WHAT IF HE JUST SIMPLY CHOOSES *NOTHING*
[ He has put a lot of thought into this, and he'll only continue to do so. There's nothing else for it. It's clear enough that some part of Jamil -- small or large, Kalim hasn't decided yet -- does want to stay. So if Jamil intends to stick around, then Kalim has to work doubly hard to understand his perspective.
Though it's difficult to tell which statement that affirmative murmur is directed toward. That he's thought about it? That he'd be hopeless without Jamil? That his tea is getting cold? Yes. All of the above. He nudges Jamil's foot with his knee, and takes a deeply grateful sip of his tea. Perfect, as usual.
But that entire speech was generously sprinkled with Kalim's observations and feelings, with no opportunity for Jamil to provide his own. So in the interest of better understanding Jamil's perspective-- ]
Do you think I'm wrong about any of that? Or is there anything else you want me to know?
ME, WALKING OF SHAME BACK TO THIS deets later much has happened
Kalim's tea isn't the only thing getting cold. His own is as well.]
Not really. [Okay. Okay, he can...lift his head to better look at Kalim. Instead of hiding...which he still wants to do. But Jamil tries to project...not quite indifference, at least not in the sense that he doesn't give a shit about what Kalim says, one way or another; rather, he tries to project indifference in the sense that he has listened to what Kalim has said and understands it and it doesn't faze him.
...which is sort of the same thing, really, but there's a slightly different nuance to it. One is not caring, the other is being so confident he can take whatever it is Kalim says in stride.]
I mostly just wanted to know what you thought. If you thought about it. [...] Why you'd think about it.
tell me!
[ Kalim isn't sure what he expected from this. Anxious as he was to get here tonight, he hadn't precisely given much thought to how it might go down, other than the sincere hope that Jamil would -- maybe, hopefully -- lose his composure and kiss Kalim again. But if there had been any expectations, he somehow doubts that this particular scenario would be part of them.
Jamil seems almost blase about this. Just taking it in, as naturally as if Kalim were rambling about club activities, or the freshman gossip, or how pleasant the breeze feels tonight. Surprising, to say the least. Though maybe he's shutting down rather than confront the reality that Kalim's actually given this whole thing a reasonable and commendable degree of thought. That it's not just impulse. That he actually understands what he wants, why he wants it, and how that want might affect Jamil as well.
Kalim sips his tea, and then nudges Jamil's foot again. And, more subdued, he sallies forth to the question that's been crawling under his skin ever since lunch: ]
Did you like it too? Kissing me?
no subject
[A neutral-yet-agreeing answer to that question. Kalim did answer it. It's a lot of thought Kalim put into it. (An intimidatingly large amount of thought.) It's taking a lot of willpower to keep from screaming into the night, to continue to talk with Kalim as if they're about to go on about budgets and housewarden duties or actual menagerie discussions. Not euphemisms, actual talk about the animals.
It's...almost comfortable, even if there's a tension that Jamil can't ignore even with his best attempts at denial, and he does try. It comes almost as a relief when Kalim nudges his foot and asks that question. Almost. The question's terrible but there's only so much (metaphorical) dancing Jamil can do before his feet get tired, so to speak.
Even if the question is kind of terrifying. Well. More than kind of. But he hadn't overblotted and came out of it to run away from questions like that, yes? Even if he's half-hoping that something comes up that gives them an excuse to avoid it. Well, sort of.
Jamil nudges Kalim back with his foot. (This is starting to feel like a game the two of them are playing, nudging back and forth, and Jamil quashes the thought the second he has it.)]
Yeah.
[Terrifying. The right/"right" thing to do would've been to lie to Kalim and restore their relationship as retainer and master, and also if he did that he might as well have had died in the overblot.]
Though it caught me by surprise. [...] I didn't think you'd want to kiss me.
[At least, not like that, not something...soft, giving, willing, eager.]
no subject
[ There's genuine surprise in Kalim's curious little hum. Jamil didn't think Kalim wanted to kiss him? Jamil didn't know? Jamil -- who knows everything and wields that knowledge like a poison-tipped weapon -- didn't see this for what it was, from the moment their lips first met in the menagerie?
That's-- Well. Shocking, quite frankly. Maybe Kalim's finally found Jamil's blind spot with all this; maybe he's so desperate to refuse any acknowledgment of Kalim's feelings for him, he's neglected to consider they might be mutual.
Kalim finishes off his tea, and carefully sets the saucer aside on the coffee table. It frees up his hands, and he catches Jamil's ankle when he makes to nudge at Kalim again. It's more to get his attention than any other reason, to get Jamil to lift his head and look him in the eye (and all he'll find there is aching sincerity). But now that it's there, his hand seems content to simply rest on Jamil's leg, fingertips twitching over his anklet like they're itching to dip beneath it. ]
I want to kiss you a lot! I know we're not supposed to, but it feels right. Like that's how we're meant to be. Or like it's just the next step in this path we've always walked together. So--
I want to. I'd like to! If that's what you want too.
no subject
His foot/ankle/leg/whatever being held prisoner wasn't such a bad thing, really.]
Hm.
[Now it was his turn for a curious hum, one which was more deliberate than Kalim's own. Drawn out. Pondering. If Kalim's hum was the trilling of a surprised bird, then his was the slow slither of a snake.]
I don't mind.
[No, that's indecisive, and he cursed himself the second he heard himself say that.]
No. [No. He knows what he wants, he knows what he wants, he won't hold himself back anymore. no half-hearted measures, no half-hearted words.] I'd like that.
[But, circling back.]
But is it that surprising? You were surprised when I kissed you.
no subject
[ Hate me. That's what Jamil said, isn't it? That he hates Kalim, that he always has? A huge part of finding even ground between them is -- quite simply -- taking what Jamil says with more than a grain of salt, and Kalim is still figuring out how to navigate that. Which words are serious and which are defense mechanisms? What does Kalim need to take to heart, and what can he bend to help break these walls?
Before that moment, Kalim never realized that words could feel like quicksand. That they could snare, that he could sink, that they could pull him under and suffocate him. Crush him. Break his heart. And now that he knows Jamil has that power over him, every word from his lips is just a little terrifying. ]
I didn't think you'd ever want something like that from me.
[ More subdued; he doesn't know how else to say it. His hand has stalled on Jamil's ankle, touch light but fingers perfectly draped over the curves of his lower leg. ]
no subject
I didn't either.
[Then, that, as Jamil shifts to put more of his weight on Kalim. It wasn't as if he was holding Kalim down, but if Kalim got up unexpectedly he'd likely be dislodged from his seat and flop to the ground.]
I never would have thought that I'd want to kiss you. I don't even like you. That hasn't changed.
[He hesitates. It would be easy enough to leave it at that. It would be easy enough to say just that and leave.]
Then, we had to, and I realized I didn't want to kiss you like that. I didn't want to kiss you only because I had to. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to.
no subject
Why would you want to kiss someone you don't like?
[ Kalim's thumb rides over the heel of his opposite palm, anxious for something to occupy itself with now that Jamil's leg is no longer an option. ]
You should kiss people you like, shouldn't you?
[ You should kiss people you love, by Kalim's figuring. But that feels like even less plausible than like. ]