Hahaha undercover otterbot! The most endearing little spy!
[ Nonsense. It's absolute nonsense and it's flying out of Kalim's fingers faster than he can think to stop it. Maybe that's why he doesn't hesitate to send the next (even though he probably should. ]
Are you in for the night? Or are you still coming over?
[Why did Kalim have to ask that, his entire 'oh, I just thought I'd bring over drinks' trial balloon question thing is ruined because there's no way of bringing over a tea nonchalantly now...worse, saying he was bringing Kalim a drink would just feel wrong, like the only way he can relate to Kalim is as his aide and retainer, and-
Fuck.]
I'm thirsty so I was going to get a drink before I came over. I'm in the kitchen. Do you want anything while I'm here?
Maybe some jasmine tea please, if there's any left?
[ There is. They keep loose leaf stocked in the kitchens, imported from the only vendor at Camel Bazaar that Kalim ever orders from. He might even drink it, but more than that, holding a teacup is something to do with his hands while he's trying not to touch Jamil. ]
With a little honey and clove?
[ Not that Jamil doesn't know how Kalim likes his tea by now, but assumptions are what got them into this mess in the first place. ]
I'll make enough for the both of us. It'll be a few minutes.
[Just a few minutes of him staring at the pot and wondering what it is that he's doing, that's all, that's it, no big deal.
A Scarabian student is about to walk into the kitchen, sees Jamil, and just walks out again as the vice housewarden is in a mood. Jamil doesn't notice any of this as he's too busy staring at his phone.]
Thank you! I'm just getting changed out of my lab things, so I'll be a minute anyway.
[ Trying to change out of his lab things, anyway. It's hard to make headway when he keeps diving back for his phone every time a notification chimes. Just in case it's Jamil. It feels important not to keep him waiting right now. ]
[Staring off into the darkness, Jamil takes a picture of the kettle and sends it to Kalim, noting,]
It's taking forever to boil.
[Has it always been this long? He doesn't know. But Jamil prepares the tea, gets honey and clove, takes a deep breath, resists the urge to scream, is consumed by the sudden need to fill the sink with water, stick his head into the water, and scream. (The water muffles his noise, see?)
He does not scream. He also does not run off into the desert to avoid this. He steels himself, takes the tray with the tea, and two teacups, and heads over to Kalim's room. He stands outside and...hesitates, and then feels dumb and knocks on the door.
(He'd walk in, but Kalim mentioned changing, so.)]
[ No need to rush. Kalim isn't going anywhere. Jamil doesn't have to scream or run off into the desert. They can do this. They can discuss these things in a reasonable way.
That's Kalim's mantra while he dresses. Adamantine resolve. They can do this. They'll figure this out. They'll come out better on the other side for having worked it out sensibly. It's fine. They're fine.
And that all comes to a screeching halt -- squealing tires and breaking glass in Kalim's mind -- when he finally hears Jamil at the door.
He's dressed down when he answers. No headwrap, no uniforms; just loose pants and a vest. He's still fastening his earrings while the door swings open and he grins at Jamil as if he's not here to either discuss or actively engage in-- whatever they're calling it now. Menagerie safety. ]
Come in! [ It's almost sing-song, and then Kalim heads toward the couch. ]
[It's fine until it's not, and he's suddenly face to face with Kalim, and Jamil's faced with the conflicting urges to throw the tea to the ground and yell at Kalim, versus the sudden need to pin Kalim to the wall and force himself on him.
...he'll blame that on the stress of the day.
Jamil does neither. He follows Kalim in. He quietly curses that Kalim's heading towards the couch which means they'd be sharing a couch instead of two tiny seats, but he heads over like it doesn't bother him. Places the tray with the pot and cups on a table. Pours two cups, and before he can second guess himself, prepares Kalim's cup just the way he knows he likes it.
...and then prepares his cup the same way, which brings up the question as to why he didn't just- feelings are complicated.]
Here.
[One cup for Kalim, and Jamil sits down on the couch like he owns it. What? When in stressful situations like this, one has to establish dominance lest people suspect that you know you don't belong. You just had to...squash down your feelings and carry on casually.
...]
...
[How was he supposed to bring up the menagerie, this is terrible, he has so many things he wants to ask, so many things he wants to say.]
Your tutoring ran late. I was half-wondering if you'd turn in early because of it.
[ The best-kept secret between them, apparently, is that Kalim has never doubted Jamil's belonging. Not once. Jamil has always belonged. He's belonged on Kalim's couch, in Kalim's room, in any room they've ever inhabited together. He's belonged at Kalim's side, and if Kalim regrets a single thing in his life, it's that he was never able to impart that belief to Jamil.
So nothing seems strange about the way Jamil holds himself. Kalim takes the tea with a bright Thank you! and sips quietly while Jamil gets situated. ]
Mmm... [ It's hard to tell if that's a hum of agreement, or if Kalim is just enjoying the tea that much. ] Sorry! I tried to get back as fast as I could, but I didn't want to leave until they were really comfortable with everything. They got it though, so it was time well-spent!
[It's tempting to lie. He wants to lie, he's rather good at lying, he lied to Kalim's face all the time, it was likely that he could get away with it. He could say whatever it was he wanted to say, and Kalim likely wouldn't question it. The lie is right there, right on his lips, ready to be spoken.
Jamil sips his tea instead.
He can't quite look at Kalim. Instead, he just looks slightly down, at Kalim's teacup. Then, back up at Kalim again.]
Not really. It would make things easier for tonight, but we'd still see each other in the morning, wouldn't we?
[And that should be that. He wanted that to be that. Jamil wanted it to be pragmatic and short and brief, just...to the point, it would be easier if it was to the point. But after a moment, his gaze slid to his own cup and he lifted it to his lips again.]
And if I really didn't want to see you tonight, then it would've been easy enough for me to just not respond when you texted me, wouldn't it?
[He sips. The tea is...soothing. He's glad, not for the first time, that Kalim had a taste for something relaxing, fragrant, distracting but not overpowering, the sort of tea he could distract himself by drinking while trying not to think about how much he had given away with that confession.]
[ And yet, here they are. Sipping tea and patently avoiding what they were meant to speak about. Which-- All right, sometimes Jamil needs time to gather his wits. He's very careful, and that's a boon in so many different ways. Kalim never lent it enough credit before.
Though something has been nagging at Kalim since their earlier conversation. ]
Ah! So if we're alone like this, do we still need to talk about it like menagerie safety, or can we just say kissing?
[...and Jamil splutters as he takes a sip of his tea, blindsided by that question, but it's fine, it's only a little splutter, a little moment of surprise, he wasn't going to die from that.]
We can call it kissing when it's just the two of us
[His tone is level, through a mix of hard-earned restraint and also because they're dancing around the point again, ever so slightly. They're spinning closer but they're still ever so slightly missing the point.
But this part also matters, so.]
My concern is someone overhearing us saying that we kissed, getting the wrong impression, and it spiraling out of control. You know how this school is: one thing leads to another, suddenly there's rumors that you're eloping [ah] with someone random like Azul, and then the headmage gets involved.
I know what you meant, though! I get all that. I just wanted to make sure you're okay with it too!
[ Truthfully, Jamil seems like the furthest thing from okay at the moment. Especially while he's sputtering tea and talking about illicit marriage rumors. And what can Kalim do to alleviate those worries for him? He was grasping at straws from the start, but-- Well. Maybe if he bends a little first, it'll be easier for Jamil to bend with him. Just like earlier, in the kitchen. ]
It's okay if you're not comfortable with it. But I'm not gonna be mad at you, no matter what you wanted to talk about tonight. I'd like you to tell me what is and isn't all right between us, though. It's important to me. You're important to me. And I never want to make you feel... like you felt. Not ever again.
[And his gaze snaps up to Kalim and he searches his face, his eyes, his nose, his chin, his lips, back up again, and Jamil's mouth opens up and out slips a word.]
Why?
[It's asked softly. It lacks the teeth and fangs of an accusation, it's not a demand. It almost sounds like a plea, maybe, maybe not. Soft, almost accidental, like his mouth started running and his brain was struggling to catch up to it.]
I really don't get it. It's...me. I've clearly proven that you don't know me, that I've been lying to you for years. I plotted against you. You don't know what else I might have done. Even now, I could use my signature spell and you wouldn't be able to stop me.
[He puts the teacup back on the table again, and then shifts, as while he knows he's going to regret this, regret asking, Kalim's question is going to make him flustered...for a moment, Kalim is going to get his full attention, no illusion otherwise.]
[ No hesitation at all. And Jamil had Kalim's full attention the moment he set foot in this room. It doesn't waver now. ]
You've always done what's best for me. You've always looked out for me, and protected me. You've gotten hurt so much because of me, and you still never gave up on your obligation to me. Even when you could have really hurt me, you didn't. And I knew you wouldn't. I trust you.
You didn't do what you did because you wanted to hurt me. You were hurting for a long time because you had to give your life to me. I know you never wanted that. I've been really selfish with you, and I told myself you helped me because we're friends. That wasn't fair of me, it was just hard for me to see it from your perspective, because it was just-- We were always like that, right? I never had to question why we were together, because we always had been. I took it for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to see things through your eyes now, and to stop relying on you for everything. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go either, but I want you to be happy, and do incredible things, and be every bit as amazing as I know you are! Even...
[ Finally, warm as Kalim's smile is, he has to lower his head. ]
Even if that means we're not together anymore. If you stay, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated to anyone. I'll always be here to help you with whatever you need, no matter what happens. You've taken care of me for so long, I owe you a lot of favors in return. More than I could ever repay you for.
But I promise, I do know you. I didn't know you resented me so much, and there's a lot I'm still trying to understand about that. But anything else? We know everything about each other! All our likes and dislikes, all our favorite things, everything that's ever happened to us. We've done it all together since we were babies!
I wouldn't be who I am, if it weren't for you. And every day has been so much fun, and every hardship has been so much more bearable, all because I know I won't be facing them alone. I get to spend every day with the person who feels like the better half of my soul! I feel so lucky!
How could you not be the most important person to me?
this is going to determine how lucky Kalim gets later on lmf choose wisely Kalim
[He stares at Kalim for a moment, a long, steady moment in which the only noise Kalim might be able to hear from him is a soft, shuddering exhale.
Then Jamil coincidentally shifts so he can get more comfortable on the couch, pulling his legs up on it, slumping down on it a bit, just starting to lie down on the couch, and if that makes it harder for Kalim to see his face because his knees are up and his head is down, well. Sometimes these things happen as a side effect of getting yourself comfortable.]
I see.
[The nice thing about saying just two words is that it's more difficult to read tone from just two words. It's easier to make two words sound even, neutral, deliberate, well thought out.
His hood's kind of bunched up against his neck now he's slumped down at this comfortable angle, making him less comfortable, so, with a grunt, Jamil pulls it out and over his head so that there's not a bunch of uncomfortable fabric all knotted up right there. It makes it easier to slump in a couch that way.]
You put more thought than I would've expected into this.
[It's not said in an accusatory way. Not in an angry way. Not in a pleasantly surprised way. Sometimes, a fact is just that: a fact. Neutral. Even...besides the slight waver in his tone in the end, where there was a hint of a question that Jamil wasn't going to ask.
Instead, Jamil slides down a bit more so he's even closer to lying down on the couch, and then, after a moment, he reaches out with his foot and nudges Kalim's knee.]
[ He has put a lot of thought into this, and he'll only continue to do so. There's nothing else for it. It's clear enough that some part of Jamil -- small or large, Kalim hasn't decided yet -- does want to stay. So if Jamil intends to stick around, then Kalim has to work doubly hard to understand his perspective.
Though it's difficult to tell which statement that affirmative murmur is directed toward. That he's thought about it? That he'd be hopeless without Jamil? That his tea is getting cold? Yes. All of the above. He nudges Jamil's foot with his knee, and takes a deeply grateful sip of his tea. Perfect, as usual.
But that entire speech was generously sprinkled with Kalim's observations and feelings, with no opportunity for Jamil to provide his own. So in the interest of better understanding Jamil's perspective-- ]
Do you think I'm wrong about any of that? Or is there anything else you want me to know?
ME, WALKING OF SHAME BACK TO THIS deets later much has happened
[-he nudges Kalim's knee with his foot, again, as he doesn't exactly know what else to do with himself. Childish, he knows, and he's normally...better at tamping down those urges, but there's something about being stuck on a couch, listening to Kalim go on and on and on, that makes him want to do something stupid.
Kalim's tea isn't the only thing getting cold. His own is as well.]
Not really. [Okay. Okay, he can...lift his head to better look at Kalim. Instead of hiding...which he still wants to do. But Jamil tries to project...not quite indifference, at least not in the sense that he doesn't give a shit about what Kalim says, one way or another; rather, he tries to project indifference in the sense that he has listened to what Kalim has said and understands it and it doesn't faze him.
...which is sort of the same thing, really, but there's a slightly different nuance to it. One is not caring, the other is being so confident he can take whatever it is Kalim says in stride.]
I mostly just wanted to know what you thought. If you thought about it. [...] Why you'd think about it.
[ Kalim isn't sure what he expected from this. Anxious as he was to get here tonight, he hadn't precisely given much thought to how it might go down, other than the sincere hope that Jamil would -- maybe, hopefully -- lose his composure and kiss Kalim again. But if there had been any expectations, he somehow doubts that this particular scenario would be part of them.
Jamil seems almost blase about this. Just taking it in, as naturally as if Kalim were rambling about club activities, or the freshman gossip, or how pleasant the breeze feels tonight. Surprising, to say the least. Though maybe he's shutting down rather than confront the reality that Kalim's actually given this whole thing a reasonable and commendable degree of thought. That it's not just impulse. That he actually understands what he wants, why he wants it, and how that want might affect Jamil as well.
Kalim sips his tea, and then nudges Jamil's foot again. And, more subdued, he sallies forth to the question that's been crawling under his skin ever since lunch: ]
[A neutral-yet-agreeing answer to that question. Kalim did answer it. It's a lot of thought Kalim put into it. (An intimidatingly large amount of thought.) It's taking a lot of willpower to keep from screaming into the night, to continue to talk with Kalim as if they're about to go on about budgets and housewarden duties or actual menagerie discussions. Not euphemisms, actual talk about the animals.
It's...almost comfortable, even if there's a tension that Jamil can't ignore even with his best attempts at denial, and he does try. It comes almost as a relief when Kalim nudges his foot and asks that question. Almost. The question's terrible but there's only so much (metaphorical) dancing Jamil can do before his feet get tired, so to speak.
Even if the question is kind of terrifying. Well. More than kind of. But he hadn't overblotted and came out of it to run away from questions like that, yes? Even if he's half-hoping that something comes up that gives them an excuse to avoid it. Well, sort of.
Jamil nudges Kalim back with his foot. (This is starting to feel like a game the two of them are playing, nudging back and forth, and Jamil quashes the thought the second he has it.)]
Yeah.
[Terrifying. The right/"right" thing to do would've been to lie to Kalim and restore their relationship as retainer and master, and also if he did that he might as well have had died in the overblot.]
Though it caught me by surprise. [...] I didn't think you'd want to kiss me.
[At least, not like that, not something...soft, giving, willing, eager.]
[ There's genuine surprise in Kalim's curious little hum. Jamil didn't think Kalim wanted to kiss him? Jamil didn't know? Jamil -- who knows everything and wields that knowledge like a poison-tipped weapon -- didn't see this for what it was, from the moment their lips first met in the menagerie?
That's-- Well. Shocking, quite frankly. Maybe Kalim's finally found Jamil's blind spot with all this; maybe he's so desperate to refuse any acknowledgment of Kalim's feelings for him, he's neglected to consider they might be mutual.
Kalim finishes off his tea, and carefully sets the saucer aside on the coffee table. It frees up his hands, and he catches Jamil's ankle when he makes to nudge at Kalim again. It's more to get his attention than any other reason, to get Jamil to lift his head and look him in the eye (and all he'll find there is aching sincerity). But now that it's there, his hand seems content to simply rest on Jamil's leg, fingertips twitching over his anklet like they're itching to dip beneath it. ]
I want to kiss you a lot! I know we're not supposed to, but it feels right. Like that's how we're meant to be. Or like it's just the next step in this path we've always walked together. So--
I want to. I'd like to! If that's what you want too.
[In response to that, Jamil shifts...the better to rest his leg against Kalim, to settle his foot atop Kalim. Something like that. If Kalim wanted his foot/ankle/leg/whatever, then he could have it. And, well.
His foot/ankle/leg/whatever being held prisoner wasn't such a bad thing, really.]
Hm.
[Now it was his turn for a curious hum, one which was more deliberate than Kalim's own. Drawn out. Pondering. If Kalim's hum was the trilling of a surprised bird, then his was the slow slither of a snake.]
I don't mind.
[No, that's indecisive, and he cursed himself the second he heard himself say that.]
No. [No. He knows what he wants, he knows what he wants, he won't hold himself back anymore. no half-hearted measures, no half-hearted words.] I'd like that.
[But, circling back.]
But is it that surprising? You were surprised when I kissed you.
[ Hate me. That's what Jamil said, isn't it? That he hates Kalim, that he always has? A huge part of finding even ground between them is -- quite simply -- taking what Jamil says with more than a grain of salt, and Kalim is still figuring out how to navigate that. Which words are serious and which are defense mechanisms? What does Kalim need to take to heart, and what can he bend to help break these walls?
Before that moment, Kalim never realized that words could feel like quicksand. That they could snare, that he could sink, that they could pull him under and suffocate him. Crush him. Break his heart. And now that he knows Jamil has that power over him, every word from his lips is just a little terrifying. ]
I didn't think you'd ever want something like that from me.
[ More subdued; he doesn't know how else to say it. His hand has stalled on Jamil's ankle, touch light but fingers perfectly draped over the curves of his lower leg. ]
[He hesitates. The touch is light on his ankle. He doesn't know if he wants to pull his leg away or aggressively lean on Kalim all the more. Jamil doesn't move. He just looks at Kalim, contemplative and quiet.]
I didn't either.
[Then, that, as Jamil shifts to put more of his weight on Kalim. It wasn't as if he was holding Kalim down, but if Kalim got up unexpectedly he'd likely be dislodged from his seat and flop to the ground.]
I never would have thought that I'd want to kiss you. I don't even like you. That hasn't changed.
[He hesitates. It would be easy enough to leave it at that. It would be easy enough to say just that and leave.]
Then, we had to, and I realized I didn't want to kiss you like that. I didn't want to kiss you only because I had to. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to.
[ A deeper twist of the knife. Kalim's fingers shake, almost imperceptibly, and the hand at Jamil's ankle drifts away, moves to rest in his own lap instead. He can still feel Jamil's skin beneath his fingertips though, all the abandoned points of contact lighting up his nerves with warmth, and making his chest ache all the more. ]
Why would you want to kiss someone you don't like?
[ Kalim's thumb rides over the heel of his opposite palm, anxious for something to occupy itself with now that Jamil's leg is no longer an option. ]
You should kiss people you like, shouldn't you?
[ You should kiss people you love, by Kalim's figuring. But that feels like even less plausible than like. ]
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no subject
!!! Look at their little faces! They're adorable!
Hahaha undercover otterbot! The most endearing little spy!
[ Nonsense. It's absolute nonsense and it's flying out of Kalim's fingers faster than he can think to stop it. Maybe that's why he doesn't hesitate to send the next (even though he probably should. ]
Are you in for the night? Or are you still coming over?
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Fuck.]
I'm thirsty so I was going to get a drink before I came over. I'm in the kitchen. Do you want anything while I'm here?
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[ There is. They keep loose leaf stocked in the kitchens, imported from the only vendor at Camel Bazaar that Kalim ever orders from. He might even drink it, but more than that, holding a teacup is something to do with his hands while he's trying not to touch Jamil. ]
With a little honey and clove?
[ Not that Jamil doesn't know how Kalim likes his tea by now, but assumptions are what got them into this mess in the first place. ]
no subject
[Just a few minutes of him staring at the pot and wondering what it is that he's doing, that's all, that's it, no big deal.
A Scarabian student is about to walk into the kitchen, sees Jamil, and just walks out again as the vice housewarden is in a mood. Jamil doesn't notice any of this as he's too busy staring at his phone.]
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[ Trying to change out of his lab things, anyway. It's hard to make headway when he keeps diving back for his phone every time a notification chimes. Just in case it's Jamil. It feels important not to keep him waiting right now. ]
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It's taking forever to boil.
[Has it always been this long? He doesn't know. But Jamil prepares the tea, gets honey and clove, takes a deep breath, resists the urge to scream, is consumed by the sudden need to fill the sink with water, stick his head into the water, and scream. (The water muffles his noise, see?)
He does not scream. He also does not run off into the desert to avoid this. He steels himself, takes the tray with the tea, and two teacups, and heads over to Kalim's room. He stands outside and...hesitates, and then feels dumb and knocks on the door.
(He'd walk in, but Kalim mentioned changing, so.)]
Kalim, it's me.
no subject
[ No need to rush. Kalim isn't going anywhere. Jamil doesn't have to scream or run off into the desert. They can do this. They can discuss these things in a reasonable way.
That's Kalim's mantra while he dresses. Adamantine resolve. They can do this. They'll figure this out. They'll come out better on the other side for having worked it out sensibly. It's fine. They're fine.
And that all comes to a screeching halt -- squealing tires and breaking glass in Kalim's mind -- when he finally hears Jamil at the door.
He's dressed down when he answers. No headwrap, no uniforms; just loose pants and a vest. He's still fastening his earrings while the door swings open and he grins at Jamil as if he's not here to either discuss or actively engage in-- whatever they're calling it now. Menagerie safety. ]
Come in! [ It's almost sing-song, and then Kalim heads toward the couch. ]
no subject
...he'll blame that on the stress of the day.
Jamil does neither. He follows Kalim in. He quietly curses that Kalim's heading towards the couch which means they'd be sharing a couch instead of two tiny seats, but he heads over like it doesn't bother him. Places the tray with the pot and cups on a table. Pours two cups, and before he can second guess himself, prepares Kalim's cup just the way he knows he likes it.
...and then prepares his cup the same way, which brings up the question as to why he didn't just- feelings are complicated.]
Here.
[One cup for Kalim, and Jamil sits down on the couch like he owns it. What? When in stressful situations like this, one has to establish dominance lest people suspect that you know you don't belong. You just had to...squash down your feelings and carry on casually.
...]
...
[How was he supposed to bring up the menagerie, this is terrible, he has so many things he wants to ask, so many things he wants to say.]
Your tutoring ran late. I was half-wondering if you'd turn in early because of it.
[Look, an icebreaker.]
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So nothing seems strange about the way Jamil holds himself. Kalim takes the tea with a bright Thank you! and sips quietly while Jamil gets situated. ]
Mmm... [ It's hard to tell if that's a hum of agreement, or if Kalim is just enjoying the tea that much. ] Sorry! I tried to get back as fast as I could, but I didn't want to leave until they were really comfortable with everything. They got it though, so it was time well-spent!
[ Another sip. ]
Were you hoping I'd turn in early because of it?
no subject
Jamil sips his tea instead.
He can't quite look at Kalim. Instead, he just looks slightly down, at Kalim's teacup. Then, back up at Kalim again.]
Not really. It would make things easier for tonight, but we'd still see each other in the morning, wouldn't we?
[And that should be that. He wanted that to be that. Jamil wanted it to be pragmatic and short and brief, just...to the point, it would be easier if it was to the point. But after a moment, his gaze slid to his own cup and he lifted it to his lips again.]
And if I really didn't want to see you tonight, then it would've been easy enough for me to just not respond when you texted me, wouldn't it?
[He sips. The tea is...soothing. He's glad, not for the first time, that Kalim had a taste for something relaxing, fragrant, distracting but not overpowering, the sort of tea he could distract himself by drinking while trying not to think about how much he had given away with that confession.]
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[ And yet, here they are. Sipping tea and patently avoiding what they were meant to speak about. Which-- All right, sometimes Jamil needs time to gather his wits. He's very careful, and that's a boon in so many different ways. Kalim never lent it enough credit before.
Though something has been nagging at Kalim since their earlier conversation. ]
Ah! So if we're alone like this, do we still need to talk about it like menagerie safety, or can we just say kissing?
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We can call it kissing when it's just the two of us
[His tone is level, through a mix of hard-earned restraint and also because they're dancing around the point again, ever so slightly. They're spinning closer but they're still ever so slightly missing the point.
But this part also matters, so.]
My concern is someone overhearing us saying that we kissed, getting the wrong impression, and it spiraling out of control. You know how this school is: one thing leads to another, suddenly there's rumors that you're eloping [ah] with someone random like Azul, and then the headmage gets involved.
no subject
[ Clearly that's the takeaway from all this. ]
I know what you meant, though! I get all that. I just wanted to make sure you're okay with it too!
[ Truthfully, Jamil seems like the furthest thing from okay at the moment. Especially while he's sputtering tea and talking about illicit marriage rumors. And what can Kalim do to alleviate those worries for him? He was grasping at straws from the start, but-- Well. Maybe if he bends a little first, it'll be easier for Jamil to bend with him. Just like earlier, in the kitchen. ]
It's okay if you're not comfortable with it. But I'm not gonna be mad at you, no matter what you wanted to talk about tonight. I'd like you to tell me what is and isn't all right between us, though. It's important to me. You're important to me. And I never want to make you feel... like you felt. Not ever again.
no subject
Why?
[It's asked softly. It lacks the teeth and fangs of an accusation, it's not a demand. It almost sounds like a plea, maybe, maybe not. Soft, almost accidental, like his mouth started running and his brain was struggling to catch up to it.]
I really don't get it. It's...me. I've clearly proven that you don't know me, that I've been lying to you for years. I plotted against you. You don't know what else I might have done. Even now, I could use my signature spell and you wouldn't be able to stop me.
[He puts the teacup back on the table again, and then shifts, as while he knows he's going to regret this, regret asking, Kalim's question is going to make him flustered...for a moment, Kalim is going to get his full attention, no illusion otherwise.]
And yet you can say I'm still important to you?
in which kalim finally pours his heart out
[ No hesitation at all. And Jamil had Kalim's full attention the moment he set foot in this room. It doesn't waver now. ]
You've always done what's best for me. You've always looked out for me, and protected me. You've gotten hurt so much because of me, and you still never gave up on your obligation to me. Even when you could have really hurt me, you didn't. And I knew you wouldn't. I trust you.
You didn't do what you did because you wanted to hurt me. You were hurting for a long time because you had to give your life to me. I know you never wanted that. I've been really selfish with you, and I told myself you helped me because we're friends. That wasn't fair of me, it was just hard for me to see it from your perspective, because it was just-- We were always like that, right? I never had to question why we were together, because we always had been. I took it for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to see things through your eyes now, and to stop relying on you for everything. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go either, but I want you to be happy, and do incredible things, and be every bit as amazing as I know you are! Even...
[ Finally, warm as Kalim's smile is, he has to lower his head. ]
Even if that means we're not together anymore. If you stay, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated to anyone. I'll always be here to help you with whatever you need, no matter what happens. You've taken care of me for so long, I owe you a lot of favors in return. More than I could ever repay you for.
But I promise, I do know you. I didn't know you resented me so much, and there's a lot I'm still trying to understand about that. But anything else? We know everything about each other! All our likes and dislikes, all our favorite things, everything that's ever happened to us. We've done it all together since we were babies!
I wouldn't be who I am, if it weren't for you. And every day has been so much fun, and every hardship has been so much more bearable, all because I know I won't be facing them alone. I get to spend every day with the person who feels like the better half of my soul! I feel so lucky!
How could you not be the most important person to me?
this is going to determine how lucky Kalim gets later on lmf choose wisely Kalim
Then Jamil coincidentally shifts so he can get more comfortable on the couch, pulling his legs up on it, slumping down on it a bit, just starting to lie down on the couch, and if that makes it harder for Kalim to see his face because his knees are up and his head is down, well. Sometimes these things happen as a side effect of getting yourself comfortable.]
I see.
[The nice thing about saying just two words is that it's more difficult to read tone from just two words. It's easier to make two words sound even, neutral, deliberate, well thought out.
His hood's kind of bunched up against his neck now he's slumped down at this comfortable angle, making him less comfortable, so, with a grunt, Jamil pulls it out and over his head so that there's not a bunch of uncomfortable fabric all knotted up right there. It makes it easier to slump in a couch that way.]
You put more thought than I would've expected into this.
[It's not said in an accusatory way. Not in an angry way. Not in a pleasantly surprised way. Sometimes, a fact is just that: a fact. Neutral. Even...besides the slight waver in his tone in the end, where there was a hint of a question that Jamil wasn't going to ask.
Instead, Jamil slides down a bit more so he's even closer to lying down on the couch, and then, after a moment, he reaches out with his foot and nudges Kalim's knee.]
You'd be hopeless without me.
[This is said without looking at Kalim.]
Your tea is getting cold.
AND WHAT IF HE JUST SIMPLY CHOOSES *NOTHING*
[ He has put a lot of thought into this, and he'll only continue to do so. There's nothing else for it. It's clear enough that some part of Jamil -- small or large, Kalim hasn't decided yet -- does want to stay. So if Jamil intends to stick around, then Kalim has to work doubly hard to understand his perspective.
Though it's difficult to tell which statement that affirmative murmur is directed toward. That he's thought about it? That he'd be hopeless without Jamil? That his tea is getting cold? Yes. All of the above. He nudges Jamil's foot with his knee, and takes a deeply grateful sip of his tea. Perfect, as usual.
But that entire speech was generously sprinkled with Kalim's observations and feelings, with no opportunity for Jamil to provide his own. So in the interest of better understanding Jamil's perspective-- ]
Do you think I'm wrong about any of that? Or is there anything else you want me to know?
ME, WALKING OF SHAME BACK TO THIS deets later much has happened
Kalim's tea isn't the only thing getting cold. His own is as well.]
Not really. [Okay. Okay, he can...lift his head to better look at Kalim. Instead of hiding...which he still wants to do. But Jamil tries to project...not quite indifference, at least not in the sense that he doesn't give a shit about what Kalim says, one way or another; rather, he tries to project indifference in the sense that he has listened to what Kalim has said and understands it and it doesn't faze him.
...which is sort of the same thing, really, but there's a slightly different nuance to it. One is not caring, the other is being so confident he can take whatever it is Kalim says in stride.]
I mostly just wanted to know what you thought. If you thought about it. [...] Why you'd think about it.
tell me!
[ Kalim isn't sure what he expected from this. Anxious as he was to get here tonight, he hadn't precisely given much thought to how it might go down, other than the sincere hope that Jamil would -- maybe, hopefully -- lose his composure and kiss Kalim again. But if there had been any expectations, he somehow doubts that this particular scenario would be part of them.
Jamil seems almost blase about this. Just taking it in, as naturally as if Kalim were rambling about club activities, or the freshman gossip, or how pleasant the breeze feels tonight. Surprising, to say the least. Though maybe he's shutting down rather than confront the reality that Kalim's actually given this whole thing a reasonable and commendable degree of thought. That it's not just impulse. That he actually understands what he wants, why he wants it, and how that want might affect Jamil as well.
Kalim sips his tea, and then nudges Jamil's foot again. And, more subdued, he sallies forth to the question that's been crawling under his skin ever since lunch: ]
Did you like it too? Kissing me?
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[A neutral-yet-agreeing answer to that question. Kalim did answer it. It's a lot of thought Kalim put into it. (An intimidatingly large amount of thought.) It's taking a lot of willpower to keep from screaming into the night, to continue to talk with Kalim as if they're about to go on about budgets and housewarden duties or actual menagerie discussions. Not euphemisms, actual talk about the animals.
It's...almost comfortable, even if there's a tension that Jamil can't ignore even with his best attempts at denial, and he does try. It comes almost as a relief when Kalim nudges his foot and asks that question. Almost. The question's terrible but there's only so much (metaphorical) dancing Jamil can do before his feet get tired, so to speak.
Even if the question is kind of terrifying. Well. More than kind of. But he hadn't overblotted and came out of it to run away from questions like that, yes? Even if he's half-hoping that something comes up that gives them an excuse to avoid it. Well, sort of.
Jamil nudges Kalim back with his foot. (This is starting to feel like a game the two of them are playing, nudging back and forth, and Jamil quashes the thought the second he has it.)]
Yeah.
[Terrifying. The right/"right" thing to do would've been to lie to Kalim and restore their relationship as retainer and master, and also if he did that he might as well have had died in the overblot.]
Though it caught me by surprise. [...] I didn't think you'd want to kiss me.
[At least, not like that, not something...soft, giving, willing, eager.]
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[ There's genuine surprise in Kalim's curious little hum. Jamil didn't think Kalim wanted to kiss him? Jamil didn't know? Jamil -- who knows everything and wields that knowledge like a poison-tipped weapon -- didn't see this for what it was, from the moment their lips first met in the menagerie?
That's-- Well. Shocking, quite frankly. Maybe Kalim's finally found Jamil's blind spot with all this; maybe he's so desperate to refuse any acknowledgment of Kalim's feelings for him, he's neglected to consider they might be mutual.
Kalim finishes off his tea, and carefully sets the saucer aside on the coffee table. It frees up his hands, and he catches Jamil's ankle when he makes to nudge at Kalim again. It's more to get his attention than any other reason, to get Jamil to lift his head and look him in the eye (and all he'll find there is aching sincerity). But now that it's there, his hand seems content to simply rest on Jamil's leg, fingertips twitching over his anklet like they're itching to dip beneath it. ]
I want to kiss you a lot! I know we're not supposed to, but it feels right. Like that's how we're meant to be. Or like it's just the next step in this path we've always walked together. So--
I want to. I'd like to! If that's what you want too.
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His foot/ankle/leg/whatever being held prisoner wasn't such a bad thing, really.]
Hm.
[Now it was his turn for a curious hum, one which was more deliberate than Kalim's own. Drawn out. Pondering. If Kalim's hum was the trilling of a surprised bird, then his was the slow slither of a snake.]
I don't mind.
[No, that's indecisive, and he cursed himself the second he heard himself say that.]
No. [No. He knows what he wants, he knows what he wants, he won't hold himself back anymore. no half-hearted measures, no half-hearted words.] I'd like that.
[But, circling back.]
But is it that surprising? You were surprised when I kissed you.
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[ Hate me. That's what Jamil said, isn't it? That he hates Kalim, that he always has? A huge part of finding even ground between them is -- quite simply -- taking what Jamil says with more than a grain of salt, and Kalim is still figuring out how to navigate that. Which words are serious and which are defense mechanisms? What does Kalim need to take to heart, and what can he bend to help break these walls?
Before that moment, Kalim never realized that words could feel like quicksand. That they could snare, that he could sink, that they could pull him under and suffocate him. Crush him. Break his heart. And now that he knows Jamil has that power over him, every word from his lips is just a little terrifying. ]
I didn't think you'd ever want something like that from me.
[ More subdued; he doesn't know how else to say it. His hand has stalled on Jamil's ankle, touch light but fingers perfectly draped over the curves of his lower leg. ]
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I didn't either.
[Then, that, as Jamil shifts to put more of his weight on Kalim. It wasn't as if he was holding Kalim down, but if Kalim got up unexpectedly he'd likely be dislodged from his seat and flop to the ground.]
I never would have thought that I'd want to kiss you. I don't even like you. That hasn't changed.
[He hesitates. It would be easy enough to leave it at that. It would be easy enough to say just that and leave.]
Then, we had to, and I realized I didn't want to kiss you like that. I didn't want to kiss you only because I had to. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to.
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Why would you want to kiss someone you don't like?
[ Kalim's thumb rides over the heel of his opposite palm, anxious for something to occupy itself with now that Jamil's leg is no longer an option. ]
You should kiss people you like, shouldn't you?
[ You should kiss people you love, by Kalim's figuring. But that feels like even less plausible than like. ]