[Kalim wasn't supposed to agree with his question. Kalim was supposed to laugh, or make a joke, or take it as a joke, not...not just agree with him. "Did you want to kiss me that badly?" "Yes." Kalim wasn't supposed to shamelessly agree with him, and it was only the hard won composure of years upon years of trouble that kept Jamil from melting into a flustered mess right then and there. What was he supposed to do with this? He didn't know what he was supposed to do with this. Kalim wasn't supposed to admit that he wanted (wants...?) to kiss him that badly. Kalim wasn't supposed to want him in general, at least not in any capacity besides an aide and...friend, maybe.
He's blushing. Jamil could feel it.
He's staring at Kalim's lips.
Jamil shouldn't be staring at Kalim's lips.
He could tell he was blushing and staring a little too long at Kalim's lips, but Kalim showed him mercy by dropping his gaze and letting him get back to his bullshit fry flatbread sandwich thing that...Jamil couldn't remember what he was doing with that but he'd figure it out...but then Kalim asks about the menagerie.
Jamil takes a moment to answer. He has to. He's being confronted with the evidence of his mood before (shredded carrots, pulverized onion) and also needs to try to figure out where he had been going with all of this, and on top of that there was everything that just happened. He has to nudge the onion with the tip of a knife, taking in how brutalized everything is.
But, time to do what he can with what he has.]
If we don't, someone might get hurt by a stray elephant.
[It's such a bad lie, but fortunately he has the bullshit fry to keep his hands and eyes busy. In goes the onions.]
And the camels can use more exercise. [In goes the other things, one by one.] The solution seems easy enough - have students ride them around - but I'd worry about the ones unused to camels overdoing things. [This is such a terrible lie, and he knows what discussions about the menagerie really mean, but it's the little lies Jamil has to tell himself (verbally, if not mentally) because otherwise he might crack, track down Floyd, and resort to desperate measures for a distraction as his brain's thinking too hard about this.]
[ A lot, Jamil says. We probably need to discuss the menagerie a lot. Has Kalim's face ever been this red? Has it ever felt this hot? He's staring at the floor at if he could bore a hole through the tile, gripping his coconut harder than is -- strictly speaking -- necessary, and he's almost positive there's steam coming out of his ears.
He's coming apart, going to pieces. He's melting. This is impossible. This is insane. This means-- This means that Jamil wants to kiss him. Jamil wants to kiss him a lot. Jamil wants him. Jamil doesn't hate him? ]
I-- [ Kalim's voice is trembling. ] Yeah. Please... Um. Could you come to my room after my tutoring? I'd like to. Discuss it a lot, I mean.
[ And truly, Kalim is this close to canceling the tutoring. But he shouldn't shirk his responsibilities just because his wildest dreams are coming true. Right? ]
[If Jamil knew what Kalim was thinking he'd be cursing the fact that he hadn't kissed Kalim better the first time, when they were under the mistletoe, when they had to kiss. Because, surely, if he had kissed Kalim better the first time, then the kiss surely wouldn't have haunted him. (Surely.) And if the kiss hadn't haunted him, then he wouldn't have kissed Kalim again, Kalim wouldn't have kissed him back, and Kalim wouldn't be asking about...discussing the menagerie. So quickly. So soon. So eagerly.
If Jamil knew what Kalim was thinking he'd also point out that he could have just as easily meant they needed to talk about whatever had happened between them, at length.
Most likely, though, if Jamil knew what Kalim was thinking he'd make the rest of the bullshit fry flatbread sandwich thing in silence, serve it to Kalim, say something about thinking about it, and fleeing with his hood up to eat his bullshit fry flatbread sandwich in his room with the door locked before resisting the urge to scream into a pillow.
Jamil's not psychic. And he has cooking, which keeps his brain and hands busy. So, he finishes up the bullshit fry, and makes two flatbread sandwiches from it. He exhales.
One is served to Kalim. The other he keeps for his own.]
If I have time.
[Jamil's voice is mostly steady and he's proud of that. There's a slight waver. Nerves. (Excitement?) Not too many people would be able to pick up on it. (Unfortunately, one of the few people in Night Raven College who reliably might be able to is Kalim who's right there.)
Actually, he's going to get a fresh coconut for himself. Because the ramifications of discussing the menagerie with Kalim are hitting him again.]
As you reminded me, I have studying of my own to do. That said...I doubt it will take that long. But you should worry about your own tutoring before you make plans with others, housewarden.
[Because Kalim's housewarden and has responsibilities and okay maybe took two tries for him to cut a good enough hole in the coconut but that's perfectly normal, yes?]
[ Food. There is food in front of him. But Jamil's suddenly as dismissive now as he was insistent earlier, and it's thrown Kalim into a quiet fit of confused turmoil. Maybe he-- Did he misread this entire situation?
Some outside perspective on this would be great. But who is Kalim supposed to turn to, when he's promised not to tell anyone? Silver? Lilia? Maybe if he's vague enough, they won't cotton onto who he's talking about. But that seems like a stretch; possible for Silver, but Lilia would know right away. He probably already knows, somehow. He just knows things sometimes. It's scary.
So if he can't turn to anyone else, the obvious solution is simply to talk to Jamil about it. Not now, clearly. Later, whenever Jamil decides he's ready, and from the sound of things, that may not be tonight, but-- ]
Mm... Okay. I'll text you when I'm finished tutoring, and you can come by if you're finished too. If you want to.
[ And that's the moment Kalim decides -- firmly and with no room whatsoever for doubt -- that he won't kiss Jamil again, unless Jamil kisses him first. ]
[Okay, coconut get, straw...placed in coconut, Jamil places them near Kalim's food as apparently they're going to be eating in the kitchen together, he can focus, he's going to sit do-
If you want to.
-Jamil's ass misses the stool and he nearly falls to the ground, but it's okay. It's okay. Everyone gets uncoordinated moments every now and again, yes? This happens to everyone. Perfectly normal. Happens to people all the time. And, as he neither spilled the sandwich...of sorts...nor the coconut, it's fine, yes, perfectly normal.]
Uh.
[Perfectly normal.]
Yes.
Of course.
[He's absolutely going to 'accidentally' text Kalim halfway through that tutoring session with a picture of something-or-another he thought Kalim might like to make sure Kalim texts him when he's done, but yes, perfectly normal.]
[ There's absolutely no chance of Kalim neglecting to text Jamil. The rest of their lunch may pass in contemplative silence, but Kalim would have been driven to distraction for the remainder of the afternoon even without Jamil's ever-so-helpful reminder.
It must be perplexing for the freshmen Kalim is tutoring. He's good at masking a great deal behind his smile and laughter, but he nearly drops his phone into a cauldron when Jamil's text hits his inbox, and it's only two hours, but time seems to absolutely crawl from that point forward. Kalim's brain is overclocking. He could swear it's on fire. Will Jamil even come tonight? Will they kiss again? Why did Jamil kiss him like that in the first place? Did he want to? Does he want to? Is this more obligation?
To that end, even when Kalim is finally back in his room -- freshmen successfully tutored -- it takes quite some time before he finally texts Jamil back. An agonizingly long time, perched on his couch, staring at his phone, mulling over the increasingly attractive option of finding some poisoned kefta so he has a hospital-bed-sized excuse to avoid this conversation. But in the end, Kalim slaps at both sides of his face, puffs out his chest, and snatches up his phone to message Jamil: ]
[A few minutes later. Maybe five minutes later? A few minutes later, but not too many minutes later.]
Welcome back.
[Jamil texts this as if he hadn't been lying on his bed staring at his ceiling for the last twenty minutes, wondering if Kalim's going to text or not, completely and totally failing to study, his mind a blur, dimly aware that there was something-or-another he could be doing to keep busy, not able to think of a thing, contemplating just grabbing his phone, some earbuds, and a quiet place where he could mindlessly practice dancing, and then the text came and he knocked his textbook to the floor in his hurry to sit up.
It wasn't Ace.
Or Floyd.
Or Trey.
It was Kalim.]
Did it go well?
[He will ask The Question in a second, right now he needs to ease into calm.]
They figured it out eventually! I think they understand now.
[ And now they're dancing around the subject. Kalim can't reliably say that his heart has ever sunk before. It's come close a few times -- and every single one of them involved Jamil -- and it's nearly there now. It's a wonder how Jamil manages this, inspires such despair that it almost shakes the most optimistic boy on the planet. But then, every cloud has its silver lining. ]
I'm glad you showed me that trick last year. They might have failed their next exam without it!
[ Silver linings. Like, for instance, the fact that Jamil answered him at all. And relatively quickly, at that. It all counts for something! Probably something good. Kalim will decide when the night is over. ]
[It went well up until the point in which Jamil sent Kalim that text, the one of a picture of something he thought Kalim would like, after which it went badly, but...that still meant he got in a solid hour of studying before he stared at various things and contemplated his life. Could be worse.
It's fine.
He could stop dancing around the subject.]
Hey, Kalim.
[Okay, so maybe he can't. After a moment he sends him a video of some sea otters. Because one cannot type 'hey, Kalim' without following up on that somehow.]
Apparently, I heard Floyd call you otter one too many times, but this made me think of you.
[Anyway, Jamil's getting up to head to the kitchen as Kalim must be thirsty after that marathon long tutoring session (it really did take a long time) so he could probably appreciate a refreshing drink of some kind, yes?]
Hahaha undercover otterbot! The most endearing little spy!
[ Nonsense. It's absolute nonsense and it's flying out of Kalim's fingers faster than he can think to stop it. Maybe that's why he doesn't hesitate to send the next (even though he probably should. ]
Are you in for the night? Or are you still coming over?
[Why did Kalim have to ask that, his entire 'oh, I just thought I'd bring over drinks' trial balloon question thing is ruined because there's no way of bringing over a tea nonchalantly now...worse, saying he was bringing Kalim a drink would just feel wrong, like the only way he can relate to Kalim is as his aide and retainer, and-
Fuck.]
I'm thirsty so I was going to get a drink before I came over. I'm in the kitchen. Do you want anything while I'm here?
Maybe some jasmine tea please, if there's any left?
[ There is. They keep loose leaf stocked in the kitchens, imported from the only vendor at Camel Bazaar that Kalim ever orders from. He might even drink it, but more than that, holding a teacup is something to do with his hands while he's trying not to touch Jamil. ]
With a little honey and clove?
[ Not that Jamil doesn't know how Kalim likes his tea by now, but assumptions are what got them into this mess in the first place. ]
I'll make enough for the both of us. It'll be a few minutes.
[Just a few minutes of him staring at the pot and wondering what it is that he's doing, that's all, that's it, no big deal.
A Scarabian student is about to walk into the kitchen, sees Jamil, and just walks out again as the vice housewarden is in a mood. Jamil doesn't notice any of this as he's too busy staring at his phone.]
Thank you! I'm just getting changed out of my lab things, so I'll be a minute anyway.
[ Trying to change out of his lab things, anyway. It's hard to make headway when he keeps diving back for his phone every time a notification chimes. Just in case it's Jamil. It feels important not to keep him waiting right now. ]
[Staring off into the darkness, Jamil takes a picture of the kettle and sends it to Kalim, noting,]
It's taking forever to boil.
[Has it always been this long? He doesn't know. But Jamil prepares the tea, gets honey and clove, takes a deep breath, resists the urge to scream, is consumed by the sudden need to fill the sink with water, stick his head into the water, and scream. (The water muffles his noise, see?)
He does not scream. He also does not run off into the desert to avoid this. He steels himself, takes the tray with the tea, and two teacups, and heads over to Kalim's room. He stands outside and...hesitates, and then feels dumb and knocks on the door.
(He'd walk in, but Kalim mentioned changing, so.)]
[ No need to rush. Kalim isn't going anywhere. Jamil doesn't have to scream or run off into the desert. They can do this. They can discuss these things in a reasonable way.
That's Kalim's mantra while he dresses. Adamantine resolve. They can do this. They'll figure this out. They'll come out better on the other side for having worked it out sensibly. It's fine. They're fine.
And that all comes to a screeching halt -- squealing tires and breaking glass in Kalim's mind -- when he finally hears Jamil at the door.
He's dressed down when he answers. No headwrap, no uniforms; just loose pants and a vest. He's still fastening his earrings while the door swings open and he grins at Jamil as if he's not here to either discuss or actively engage in-- whatever they're calling it now. Menagerie safety. ]
Come in! [ It's almost sing-song, and then Kalim heads toward the couch. ]
[It's fine until it's not, and he's suddenly face to face with Kalim, and Jamil's faced with the conflicting urges to throw the tea to the ground and yell at Kalim, versus the sudden need to pin Kalim to the wall and force himself on him.
...he'll blame that on the stress of the day.
Jamil does neither. He follows Kalim in. He quietly curses that Kalim's heading towards the couch which means they'd be sharing a couch instead of two tiny seats, but he heads over like it doesn't bother him. Places the tray with the pot and cups on a table. Pours two cups, and before he can second guess himself, prepares Kalim's cup just the way he knows he likes it.
...and then prepares his cup the same way, which brings up the question as to why he didn't just- feelings are complicated.]
Here.
[One cup for Kalim, and Jamil sits down on the couch like he owns it. What? When in stressful situations like this, one has to establish dominance lest people suspect that you know you don't belong. You just had to...squash down your feelings and carry on casually.
...]
...
[How was he supposed to bring up the menagerie, this is terrible, he has so many things he wants to ask, so many things he wants to say.]
Your tutoring ran late. I was half-wondering if you'd turn in early because of it.
[ The best-kept secret between them, apparently, is that Kalim has never doubted Jamil's belonging. Not once. Jamil has always belonged. He's belonged on Kalim's couch, in Kalim's room, in any room they've ever inhabited together. He's belonged at Kalim's side, and if Kalim regrets a single thing in his life, it's that he was never able to impart that belief to Jamil.
So nothing seems strange about the way Jamil holds himself. Kalim takes the tea with a bright Thank you! and sips quietly while Jamil gets situated. ]
Mmm... [ It's hard to tell if that's a hum of agreement, or if Kalim is just enjoying the tea that much. ] Sorry! I tried to get back as fast as I could, but I didn't want to leave until they were really comfortable with everything. They got it though, so it was time well-spent!
[It's tempting to lie. He wants to lie, he's rather good at lying, he lied to Kalim's face all the time, it was likely that he could get away with it. He could say whatever it was he wanted to say, and Kalim likely wouldn't question it. The lie is right there, right on his lips, ready to be spoken.
Jamil sips his tea instead.
He can't quite look at Kalim. Instead, he just looks slightly down, at Kalim's teacup. Then, back up at Kalim again.]
Not really. It would make things easier for tonight, but we'd still see each other in the morning, wouldn't we?
[And that should be that. He wanted that to be that. Jamil wanted it to be pragmatic and short and brief, just...to the point, it would be easier if it was to the point. But after a moment, his gaze slid to his own cup and he lifted it to his lips again.]
And if I really didn't want to see you tonight, then it would've been easy enough for me to just not respond when you texted me, wouldn't it?
[He sips. The tea is...soothing. He's glad, not for the first time, that Kalim had a taste for something relaxing, fragrant, distracting but not overpowering, the sort of tea he could distract himself by drinking while trying not to think about how much he had given away with that confession.]
[ And yet, here they are. Sipping tea and patently avoiding what they were meant to speak about. Which-- All right, sometimes Jamil needs time to gather his wits. He's very careful, and that's a boon in so many different ways. Kalim never lent it enough credit before.
Though something has been nagging at Kalim since their earlier conversation. ]
Ah! So if we're alone like this, do we still need to talk about it like menagerie safety, or can we just say kissing?
[...and Jamil splutters as he takes a sip of his tea, blindsided by that question, but it's fine, it's only a little splutter, a little moment of surprise, he wasn't going to die from that.]
We can call it kissing when it's just the two of us
[His tone is level, through a mix of hard-earned restraint and also because they're dancing around the point again, ever so slightly. They're spinning closer but they're still ever so slightly missing the point.
But this part also matters, so.]
My concern is someone overhearing us saying that we kissed, getting the wrong impression, and it spiraling out of control. You know how this school is: one thing leads to another, suddenly there's rumors that you're eloping [ah] with someone random like Azul, and then the headmage gets involved.
I know what you meant, though! I get all that. I just wanted to make sure you're okay with it too!
[ Truthfully, Jamil seems like the furthest thing from okay at the moment. Especially while he's sputtering tea and talking about illicit marriage rumors. And what can Kalim do to alleviate those worries for him? He was grasping at straws from the start, but-- Well. Maybe if he bends a little first, it'll be easier for Jamil to bend with him. Just like earlier, in the kitchen. ]
It's okay if you're not comfortable with it. But I'm not gonna be mad at you, no matter what you wanted to talk about tonight. I'd like you to tell me what is and isn't all right between us, though. It's important to me. You're important to me. And I never want to make you feel... like you felt. Not ever again.
[And his gaze snaps up to Kalim and he searches his face, his eyes, his nose, his chin, his lips, back up again, and Jamil's mouth opens up and out slips a word.]
Why?
[It's asked softly. It lacks the teeth and fangs of an accusation, it's not a demand. It almost sounds like a plea, maybe, maybe not. Soft, almost accidental, like his mouth started running and his brain was struggling to catch up to it.]
I really don't get it. It's...me. I've clearly proven that you don't know me, that I've been lying to you for years. I plotted against you. You don't know what else I might have done. Even now, I could use my signature spell and you wouldn't be able to stop me.
[He puts the teacup back on the table again, and then shifts, as while he knows he's going to regret this, regret asking, Kalim's question is going to make him flustered...for a moment, Kalim is going to get his full attention, no illusion otherwise.]
[ No hesitation at all. And Jamil had Kalim's full attention the moment he set foot in this room. It doesn't waver now. ]
You've always done what's best for me. You've always looked out for me, and protected me. You've gotten hurt so much because of me, and you still never gave up on your obligation to me. Even when you could have really hurt me, you didn't. And I knew you wouldn't. I trust you.
You didn't do what you did because you wanted to hurt me. You were hurting for a long time because you had to give your life to me. I know you never wanted that. I've been really selfish with you, and I told myself you helped me because we're friends. That wasn't fair of me, it was just hard for me to see it from your perspective, because it was just-- We were always like that, right? I never had to question why we were together, because we always had been. I took it for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to see things through your eyes now, and to stop relying on you for everything. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go either, but I want you to be happy, and do incredible things, and be every bit as amazing as I know you are! Even...
[ Finally, warm as Kalim's smile is, he has to lower his head. ]
Even if that means we're not together anymore. If you stay, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated to anyone. I'll always be here to help you with whatever you need, no matter what happens. You've taken care of me for so long, I owe you a lot of favors in return. More than I could ever repay you for.
But I promise, I do know you. I didn't know you resented me so much, and there's a lot I'm still trying to understand about that. But anything else? We know everything about each other! All our likes and dislikes, all our favorite things, everything that's ever happened to us. We've done it all together since we were babies!
I wouldn't be who I am, if it weren't for you. And every day has been so much fun, and every hardship has been so much more bearable, all because I know I won't be facing them alone. I get to spend every day with the person who feels like the better half of my soul! I feel so lucky!
How could you not be the most important person to me?
this is going to determine how lucky Kalim gets later on lmf choose wisely Kalim
[He stares at Kalim for a moment, a long, steady moment in which the only noise Kalim might be able to hear from him is a soft, shuddering exhale.
Then Jamil coincidentally shifts so he can get more comfortable on the couch, pulling his legs up on it, slumping down on it a bit, just starting to lie down on the couch, and if that makes it harder for Kalim to see his face because his knees are up and his head is down, well. Sometimes these things happen as a side effect of getting yourself comfortable.]
I see.
[The nice thing about saying just two words is that it's more difficult to read tone from just two words. It's easier to make two words sound even, neutral, deliberate, well thought out.
His hood's kind of bunched up against his neck now he's slumped down at this comfortable angle, making him less comfortable, so, with a grunt, Jamil pulls it out and over his head so that there's not a bunch of uncomfortable fabric all knotted up right there. It makes it easier to slump in a couch that way.]
You put more thought than I would've expected into this.
[It's not said in an accusatory way. Not in an angry way. Not in a pleasantly surprised way. Sometimes, a fact is just that: a fact. Neutral. Even...besides the slight waver in his tone in the end, where there was a hint of a question that Jamil wasn't going to ask.
Instead, Jamil slides down a bit more so he's even closer to lying down on the couch, and then, after a moment, he reaches out with his foot and nudges Kalim's knee.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He's blushing. Jamil could feel it.
He's staring at Kalim's lips.
Jamil shouldn't be staring at Kalim's lips.
He could tell he was blushing and staring a little too long at Kalim's lips, but Kalim showed him mercy by dropping his gaze and letting him get back to his bullshit fry flatbread sandwich thing that...Jamil couldn't remember what he was doing with that but he'd figure it out...but then Kalim asks about the menagerie.
Jamil takes a moment to answer. He has to. He's being confronted with the evidence of his mood before (shredded carrots, pulverized onion) and also needs to try to figure out where he had been going with all of this, and on top of that there was everything that just happened. He has to nudge the onion with the tip of a knife, taking in how brutalized everything is.
But, time to do what he can with what he has.]
If we don't, someone might get hurt by a stray elephant.
[It's such a bad lie, but fortunately he has the bullshit fry to keep his hands and eyes busy. In goes the onions.]
And the camels can use more exercise. [In goes the other things, one by one.] The solution seems easy enough - have students ride them around - but I'd worry about the ones unused to camels overdoing things. [This is such a terrible lie, and he knows what discussions about the menagerie really mean, but it's the little lies Jamil has to tell himself (verbally, if not mentally) because otherwise he might crack, track down Floyd, and resort to desperate measures for a distraction as his brain's thinking too hard about this.]
We probably need to discuss the menagerie. A lot.
no subject
He's coming apart, going to pieces. He's melting. This is impossible. This is insane. This means-- This means that Jamil wants to kiss him. Jamil wants to kiss him a lot. Jamil wants him. Jamil doesn't hate him? ]
I-- [ Kalim's voice is trembling. ] Yeah. Please... Um. Could you come to my room after my tutoring? I'd like to. Discuss it a lot, I mean.
[ And truly, Kalim is this close to canceling the tutoring. But he shouldn't shirk his responsibilities just because his wildest dreams are coming true. Right? ]
no subject
If Jamil knew what Kalim was thinking he'd also point out that he could have just as easily meant they needed to talk about whatever had happened between them, at length.
Most likely, though, if Jamil knew what Kalim was thinking he'd make the rest of the bullshit fry flatbread sandwich thing in silence, serve it to Kalim, say something about thinking about it, and fleeing with his hood up to eat his bullshit fry flatbread sandwich in his room with the door locked before resisting the urge to scream into a pillow.
Jamil's not psychic. And he has cooking, which keeps his brain and hands busy. So, he finishes up the bullshit fry, and makes two flatbread sandwiches from it. He exhales.
One is served to Kalim. The other he keeps for his own.]
If I have time.
[Jamil's voice is mostly steady and he's proud of that. There's a slight waver. Nerves. (Excitement?) Not too many people would be able to pick up on it. (Unfortunately, one of the few people in Night Raven College who reliably might be able to is Kalim who's right there.)
Actually, he's going to get a fresh coconut for himself. Because the ramifications of discussing the menagerie with Kalim are hitting him again.]
As you reminded me, I have studying of my own to do. That said...I doubt it will take that long. But you should worry about your own tutoring before you make plans with others, housewarden.
[Because Kalim's housewarden and has responsibilities and okay maybe took two tries for him to cut a good enough hole in the coconut but that's perfectly normal, yes?]
no subject
Some outside perspective on this would be great. But who is Kalim supposed to turn to, when he's promised not to tell anyone? Silver? Lilia? Maybe if he's vague enough, they won't cotton onto who he's talking about. But that seems like a stretch; possible for Silver, but Lilia would know right away. He probably already knows, somehow. He just knows things sometimes. It's scary.
So if he can't turn to anyone else, the obvious solution is simply to talk to Jamil about it. Not now, clearly. Later, whenever Jamil decides he's ready, and from the sound of things, that may not be tonight, but-- ]
Mm... Okay. I'll text you when I'm finished tutoring, and you can come by if you're finished too. If you want to.
[ And that's the moment Kalim decides -- firmly and with no room whatsoever for doubt -- that he won't kiss Jamil again, unless Jamil kisses him first. ]
no subject
If you want to.
-Jamil's ass misses the stool and he nearly falls to the ground, but it's okay. It's okay. Everyone gets uncoordinated moments every now and again, yes? This happens to everyone. Perfectly normal. Happens to people all the time. And, as he neither spilled the sandwich...of sorts...nor the coconut, it's fine, yes, perfectly normal.]
Uh.
[Perfectly normal.]
Yes.
Of course.
[He's absolutely going to 'accidentally' text Kalim halfway through that tutoring session with a picture of something-or-another he thought Kalim might like to make sure Kalim texts him when he's done, but yes, perfectly normal.]
no subject
It must be perplexing for the freshmen Kalim is tutoring. He's good at masking a great deal behind his smile and laughter, but he nearly drops his phone into a cauldron when Jamil's text hits his inbox, and it's only two hours, but time seems to absolutely crawl from that point forward. Kalim's brain is overclocking. He could swear it's on fire. Will Jamil even come tonight? Will they kiss again? Why did Jamil kiss him like that in the first place? Did he want to? Does he want to? Is this more obligation?
To that end, even when Kalim is finally back in his room -- freshmen successfully tutored -- it takes quite some time before he finally texts Jamil back. An agonizingly long time, perched on his couch, staring at his phone, mulling over the increasingly attractive option of finding some poisoned kefta so he has a hospital-bed-sized excuse to avoid this conversation. But in the end, Kalim slaps at both sides of his face, puffs out his chest, and snatches up his phone to message Jamil: ]
I'm back!
no subject
Welcome back.
[Jamil texts this as if he hadn't been lying on his bed staring at his ceiling for the last twenty minutes, wondering if Kalim's going to text or not, completely and totally failing to study, his mind a blur, dimly aware that there was something-or-another he could be doing to keep busy, not able to think of a thing, contemplating just grabbing his phone, some earbuds, and a quiet place where he could mindlessly practice dancing, and then the text came and he knocked his textbook to the floor in his hurry to sit up.
It wasn't Ace.
Or Floyd.
Or Trey.
It was Kalim.]
Did it go well?
[He will ask The Question in a second, right now he needs to ease into calm.]
no subject
[ And now they're dancing around the subject. Kalim can't reliably say that his heart has ever sunk before. It's come close a few times -- and every single one of them involved Jamil -- and it's nearly there now. It's a wonder how Jamil manages this, inspires such despair that it almost shakes the most optimistic boy on the planet. But then, every cloud has its silver lining. ]
I'm glad you showed me that trick last year. They might have failed their next exam without it!
[ Silver linings. Like, for instance, the fact that Jamil answered him at all. And relatively quickly, at that. It all counts for something! Probably something good. Kalim will decide when the night is over. ]
How has your studying gone?
no subject
[It went well up until the point in which Jamil sent Kalim that text, the one of a picture of something he thought Kalim would like, after which it went badly, but...that still meant he got in a solid hour of studying before he stared at various things and contemplated his life. Could be worse.
It's fine.
He could stop dancing around the subject.]
Hey, Kalim.
[Okay, so maybe he can't. After a moment he sends him a video of some sea otters. Because one cannot type 'hey, Kalim' without following up on that somehow.]
Apparently, I heard Floyd call you otter one too many times, but this made me think of you.
[Anyway, Jamil's getting up to head to the kitchen as Kalim must be thirsty after that marathon long tutoring session (it really did take a long time) so he could probably appreciate a refreshing drink of some kind, yes?]
no subject
!!! Look at their little faces! They're adorable!
Hahaha undercover otterbot! The most endearing little spy!
[ Nonsense. It's absolute nonsense and it's flying out of Kalim's fingers faster than he can think to stop it. Maybe that's why he doesn't hesitate to send the next (even though he probably should. ]
Are you in for the night? Or are you still coming over?
no subject
Fuck.]
I'm thirsty so I was going to get a drink before I came over. I'm in the kitchen. Do you want anything while I'm here?
no subject
[ There is. They keep loose leaf stocked in the kitchens, imported from the only vendor at Camel Bazaar that Kalim ever orders from. He might even drink it, but more than that, holding a teacup is something to do with his hands while he's trying not to touch Jamil. ]
With a little honey and clove?
[ Not that Jamil doesn't know how Kalim likes his tea by now, but assumptions are what got them into this mess in the first place. ]
no subject
[Just a few minutes of him staring at the pot and wondering what it is that he's doing, that's all, that's it, no big deal.
A Scarabian student is about to walk into the kitchen, sees Jamil, and just walks out again as the vice housewarden is in a mood. Jamil doesn't notice any of this as he's too busy staring at his phone.]
no subject
[ Trying to change out of his lab things, anyway. It's hard to make headway when he keeps diving back for his phone every time a notification chimes. Just in case it's Jamil. It feels important not to keep him waiting right now. ]
no subject
It's taking forever to boil.
[Has it always been this long? He doesn't know. But Jamil prepares the tea, gets honey and clove, takes a deep breath, resists the urge to scream, is consumed by the sudden need to fill the sink with water, stick his head into the water, and scream. (The water muffles his noise, see?)
He does not scream. He also does not run off into the desert to avoid this. He steels himself, takes the tray with the tea, and two teacups, and heads over to Kalim's room. He stands outside and...hesitates, and then feels dumb and knocks on the door.
(He'd walk in, but Kalim mentioned changing, so.)]
Kalim, it's me.
no subject
[ No need to rush. Kalim isn't going anywhere. Jamil doesn't have to scream or run off into the desert. They can do this. They can discuss these things in a reasonable way.
That's Kalim's mantra while he dresses. Adamantine resolve. They can do this. They'll figure this out. They'll come out better on the other side for having worked it out sensibly. It's fine. They're fine.
And that all comes to a screeching halt -- squealing tires and breaking glass in Kalim's mind -- when he finally hears Jamil at the door.
He's dressed down when he answers. No headwrap, no uniforms; just loose pants and a vest. He's still fastening his earrings while the door swings open and he grins at Jamil as if he's not here to either discuss or actively engage in-- whatever they're calling it now. Menagerie safety. ]
Come in! [ It's almost sing-song, and then Kalim heads toward the couch. ]
no subject
...he'll blame that on the stress of the day.
Jamil does neither. He follows Kalim in. He quietly curses that Kalim's heading towards the couch which means they'd be sharing a couch instead of two tiny seats, but he heads over like it doesn't bother him. Places the tray with the pot and cups on a table. Pours two cups, and before he can second guess himself, prepares Kalim's cup just the way he knows he likes it.
...and then prepares his cup the same way, which brings up the question as to why he didn't just- feelings are complicated.]
Here.
[One cup for Kalim, and Jamil sits down on the couch like he owns it. What? When in stressful situations like this, one has to establish dominance lest people suspect that you know you don't belong. You just had to...squash down your feelings and carry on casually.
...]
...
[How was he supposed to bring up the menagerie, this is terrible, he has so many things he wants to ask, so many things he wants to say.]
Your tutoring ran late. I was half-wondering if you'd turn in early because of it.
[Look, an icebreaker.]
no subject
So nothing seems strange about the way Jamil holds himself. Kalim takes the tea with a bright Thank you! and sips quietly while Jamil gets situated. ]
Mmm... [ It's hard to tell if that's a hum of agreement, or if Kalim is just enjoying the tea that much. ] Sorry! I tried to get back as fast as I could, but I didn't want to leave until they were really comfortable with everything. They got it though, so it was time well-spent!
[ Another sip. ]
Were you hoping I'd turn in early because of it?
no subject
Jamil sips his tea instead.
He can't quite look at Kalim. Instead, he just looks slightly down, at Kalim's teacup. Then, back up at Kalim again.]
Not really. It would make things easier for tonight, but we'd still see each other in the morning, wouldn't we?
[And that should be that. He wanted that to be that. Jamil wanted it to be pragmatic and short and brief, just...to the point, it would be easier if it was to the point. But after a moment, his gaze slid to his own cup and he lifted it to his lips again.]
And if I really didn't want to see you tonight, then it would've been easy enough for me to just not respond when you texted me, wouldn't it?
[He sips. The tea is...soothing. He's glad, not for the first time, that Kalim had a taste for something relaxing, fragrant, distracting but not overpowering, the sort of tea he could distract himself by drinking while trying not to think about how much he had given away with that confession.]
no subject
[ And yet, here they are. Sipping tea and patently avoiding what they were meant to speak about. Which-- All right, sometimes Jamil needs time to gather his wits. He's very careful, and that's a boon in so many different ways. Kalim never lent it enough credit before.
Though something has been nagging at Kalim since their earlier conversation. ]
Ah! So if we're alone like this, do we still need to talk about it like menagerie safety, or can we just say kissing?
no subject
We can call it kissing when it's just the two of us
[His tone is level, through a mix of hard-earned restraint and also because they're dancing around the point again, ever so slightly. They're spinning closer but they're still ever so slightly missing the point.
But this part also matters, so.]
My concern is someone overhearing us saying that we kissed, getting the wrong impression, and it spiraling out of control. You know how this school is: one thing leads to another, suddenly there's rumors that you're eloping [ah] with someone random like Azul, and then the headmage gets involved.
no subject
[ Clearly that's the takeaway from all this. ]
I know what you meant, though! I get all that. I just wanted to make sure you're okay with it too!
[ Truthfully, Jamil seems like the furthest thing from okay at the moment. Especially while he's sputtering tea and talking about illicit marriage rumors. And what can Kalim do to alleviate those worries for him? He was grasping at straws from the start, but-- Well. Maybe if he bends a little first, it'll be easier for Jamil to bend with him. Just like earlier, in the kitchen. ]
It's okay if you're not comfortable with it. But I'm not gonna be mad at you, no matter what you wanted to talk about tonight. I'd like you to tell me what is and isn't all right between us, though. It's important to me. You're important to me. And I never want to make you feel... like you felt. Not ever again.
no subject
Why?
[It's asked softly. It lacks the teeth and fangs of an accusation, it's not a demand. It almost sounds like a plea, maybe, maybe not. Soft, almost accidental, like his mouth started running and his brain was struggling to catch up to it.]
I really don't get it. It's...me. I've clearly proven that you don't know me, that I've been lying to you for years. I plotted against you. You don't know what else I might have done. Even now, I could use my signature spell and you wouldn't be able to stop me.
[He puts the teacup back on the table again, and then shifts, as while he knows he's going to regret this, regret asking, Kalim's question is going to make him flustered...for a moment, Kalim is going to get his full attention, no illusion otherwise.]
And yet you can say I'm still important to you?
in which kalim finally pours his heart out
[ No hesitation at all. And Jamil had Kalim's full attention the moment he set foot in this room. It doesn't waver now. ]
You've always done what's best for me. You've always looked out for me, and protected me. You've gotten hurt so much because of me, and you still never gave up on your obligation to me. Even when you could have really hurt me, you didn't. And I knew you wouldn't. I trust you.
You didn't do what you did because you wanted to hurt me. You were hurting for a long time because you had to give your life to me. I know you never wanted that. I've been really selfish with you, and I told myself you helped me because we're friends. That wasn't fair of me, it was just hard for me to see it from your perspective, because it was just-- We were always like that, right? I never had to question why we were together, because we always had been. I took it for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to see things through your eyes now, and to stop relying on you for everything. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go either, but I want you to be happy, and do incredible things, and be every bit as amazing as I know you are! Even...
[ Finally, warm as Kalim's smile is, he has to lower his head. ]
Even if that means we're not together anymore. If you stay, I want it to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated to anyone. I'll always be here to help you with whatever you need, no matter what happens. You've taken care of me for so long, I owe you a lot of favors in return. More than I could ever repay you for.
But I promise, I do know you. I didn't know you resented me so much, and there's a lot I'm still trying to understand about that. But anything else? We know everything about each other! All our likes and dislikes, all our favorite things, everything that's ever happened to us. We've done it all together since we were babies!
I wouldn't be who I am, if it weren't for you. And every day has been so much fun, and every hardship has been so much more bearable, all because I know I won't be facing them alone. I get to spend every day with the person who feels like the better half of my soul! I feel so lucky!
How could you not be the most important person to me?
this is going to determine how lucky Kalim gets later on lmf choose wisely Kalim
Then Jamil coincidentally shifts so he can get more comfortable on the couch, pulling his legs up on it, slumping down on it a bit, just starting to lie down on the couch, and if that makes it harder for Kalim to see his face because his knees are up and his head is down, well. Sometimes these things happen as a side effect of getting yourself comfortable.]
I see.
[The nice thing about saying just two words is that it's more difficult to read tone from just two words. It's easier to make two words sound even, neutral, deliberate, well thought out.
His hood's kind of bunched up against his neck now he's slumped down at this comfortable angle, making him less comfortable, so, with a grunt, Jamil pulls it out and over his head so that there's not a bunch of uncomfortable fabric all knotted up right there. It makes it easier to slump in a couch that way.]
You put more thought than I would've expected into this.
[It's not said in an accusatory way. Not in an angry way. Not in a pleasantly surprised way. Sometimes, a fact is just that: a fact. Neutral. Even...besides the slight waver in his tone in the end, where there was a hint of a question that Jamil wasn't going to ask.
Instead, Jamil slides down a bit more so he's even closer to lying down on the couch, and then, after a moment, he reaches out with his foot and nudges Kalim's knee.]
You'd be hopeless without me.
[This is said without looking at Kalim.]
Your tea is getting cold.
AND WHAT IF HE JUST SIMPLY CHOOSES *NOTHING*
ME, WALKING OF SHAME BACK TO THIS deets later much has happened
tell me!
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)